Not Without Connor
by OnlyJustLost
Summary: Jude and Connor never expected to end up here.
1. The Tent

**It's a very short introduction. It's set during their first kiss to start with but later will develop to tell the story of the two teens as they discover more about themselves and each other.**

That just happened. Not sure what to think. Or do. Or say. Confused, very confused. Lets suppress the fact that it felt incredible and focus on the problem at hand.

My hands are still pinned down. He hasn't moved. I haven't moved. Neither of us can function. Oh great. I've just broken Connor. My eyes are locked on him. His on me. Shock is plastered over his face. Over my face. His hips have me pinned too. I'm not going anywhere though. There's nothing either of us can say. I know it: he knows it. Instead of talking he leans his head down once more. Slow. So slowly. Close. Again so tantalisingly close. I'm on auto pilot now. I tilt my head to cover the final distance between us. His lips meet mine once more. Don't get lost Jude. Careful. We part again. Just as confused. Still no words. Connor lets my hands go. His own now rest on his thighs. He's still on me. We were just play fighting. That was all. That wasn't supposed to happen. He started it though. Connor. Not me.

"Jude I...Umm…" Tension. Building. Up. His words aren't conscious; aren't sure of anything. I swallow. Amongst the anxiety is an expression that can only be thought of as confirmation. Yes they had just kissed. I'm now motionless whilst he is moving. Our once intimate proxemics now crumble to rubble. He lies away from me, I from him. Breathing.

Time seeps past but neither of us sleep. We let the tent remain in silence. Perhaps he, like I didn't want to overanalyse. We couldn't afford to loose each other. This way we could just hold onto time before things got too complicated. Eventually we'd have to talk but even now words escape me. Apparently Connor has the same issue words dancing in our minds but fading before they reach our tongues. Instead I feel the suggestive heat radiating from his hand as it ventures closer towards mine. The contact is a relief. His warm, slightly clammy hand shapes itself to my palm. I interlock my spindly fingers to his. I'm sure he can hear my heart desecrate my rib cage but we say nothing. As the dawn prowls towards us we cling desperately to the unspoken feelings. No one has to know. Not yet.


	2. After The Fight

**_Hello you wonderful people! This is set just after Connor and Jude's fight. As always I hope you enjoy and don't be afraid to give me you're feedback or ask any questions!❤️_**

I just want to scream. I didn't tell her about it. About what we did. He thinks I did and he'll hate me forever. I find myself filled with a parched desire. Wanting to withdraw into myself to spontaneously combust there and then (the moment Connor walked away). Wanting to reprogram reality to a paradoxical universe where things weren't this complicated. Wanting him to be able to feel what I feel without the pressure of disapproval. Wanting so little in return for the reduction of complexity. But no. Again and again and again life seems to taunt me with alternatives that didn't come to pass. Just like before with Callie, something that should have been so easy became so difficult. Breathe. There's no point getting frustrated as nothing I can do will change how Connor feels.

I suppose I'll have to leave the cramped, confined spaces of this toilet cubicle but for now the isolation is comforting. It reminds me of one of my old foster homes. Although not happy, the numbness that had settled in me during my stay in that compact home was a distraction from the aching vacancy in my heart. Similarly as I sit with the lid down and legs hugged close to my chest the same empty emotions begin to saturate my thoughts. Despite being unable to drown all of Connor from my mind I was successful enough to paralyse the pain to a bearable ambient. That's what infuriates me the most. His ability to extract a reaction. Normal people don't want others to do something that gives reason for them to argue. Connor on the other hand uses me to both punish and reward himself in a sickening cycle. If he can resist the urge to act upon his feelings he is rewarded. Unfortunately I am that reward. Connor will indulge in our friendship, pushing the boundaries until he accidentally crosses the line. Coiling back in he will then punish himself for being so daring. In the process utilising me as his own personal flogging tool. By morphing a situation to give reason to degrade me it will undoubtably conclude with a fallout. As a result both of us suffer the loss.

When used like this most would repel the other from their life. Not I though. Connor was my first real friend. Someone other than my sister and newfound family that I had come to love. Originally the love was an innocent display of admiration and appreciation, but like most friendships, it had morphed into a novice lust. A lust that was becoming hard to ignore. Magnetic and alluring it ensnared our youthful hearts and had begun toying with them relentlessly. With no experience and no reason to prepare we fell for societies ramblings. Connor and I are not allowed to want each other anymore than what is expected. If I want to hold his hand again – like the night in the tent – I would have to resist temptation. Nature dictates that we shouldn't be together and humans enforce it. Not everyone is as close-minded. Perhaps more people than not can come to accept others no matter their preference. Both my adoptive mothers understand the way I am. They see me as translucent as I am. I know they know but I'm not ready to solidify it yet. Not without Connor.

I can feel the pins and needles infiltrating my legs, creeping towards my upper thighs. I've been here for two hours. I couldn't face maths. Couldn't face Connor. He doesn't want to be friends with a little bitch like me anyway. No need to agitate him further. If I stay in here till the end of the day I won't need to see him, even if I yearn to sort things out with him. Luckily nobody enters. Strategically locating an area of Anchor Beech that few students wander too meant a lessened risk of someone idling in and capturing me in my moment of vulnerability.

I will have just missed science. Maybe Connor will be wondering where I am. Maybe not. I need to go now. Need to face the horde filled halls. To go home and surrender to the sleep that has crept up on me since my outburst of tears earlier when I'd first barged into the toilets. Standing up and doing that awkward limp styled walk you do when you have pins and needles I hobble my way to the mirror left of the urinals. Staring at the red eyed mess reflected back at me I sigh. Running the tap and splashing drizzles of cold water on my face I exhale heavily releasing any negative vibes that may be trying to oppress me. 5 minutes later: I'm ready.

It's a strange sensation when you're disconnected but aware of your presence. The steady throng of teenagers swamp the halls from left and right as I amble through the middle. Either side of me there are calls and jeers exchanged between friends. A bitter reminder of my all too recent loss. Soon I approach the smooth sanded door with a name plank announcing 'Vice Principle' in gold printed letters. Knocking politely out of respect for Mrs Adams-Foster I wait for a reply.

"Come in." Hollers a woman's familiar voice. Turning the handle I push the door inwards to reveal a modest office with a curly haired woman perched on the edge of a desk. Stepping in and leaning against the door I acknowledge the stain this rooms' history marks on my life. It was his fault: Connor's dad. The worst part is I can't be mad at him because he was right. Ignorance is not something I aspire to possess. Before the camping trip he'd had his suspicions, our attempt at hiding our infatuation for one another clearly lost on him. I was just so worried. I know what it's like to feel like you've got no one to turn to. If I had just listened to Connor when he told me to leave it…I didn't though. I couldn't. Everything got so distorted that by the time I knew what to do my mum had lost her job. A white lie to keep my parents happy and employed didn't seem that event altering. But of course Connor didn't understand it. Naturally me telling them something had happened meant I'd told them the truth. Even after hearing the lie I told the adults he was angry. This room was a place I wanted to spend as little time in as possible.

"You ready?" Lena nods at me as she goes to get her bag from the hanger closest the window. Pausing by the hanger she looks over at me, concern edged on her face.

"Jude, honey, are you okay?" Nodding half heartedly she notices the heavy sorrow emitting from me. "Is it Connor?" Sniffing mildly I can sense the pricking of tears returning. Suppressing them once more I muster another nod. She knows I'm lying but she doesn't press the matter. That's the main thing I love about Lena; she always knows what to say (even if the best thing is to say nothing at all). Heading towards me she places a tender arm around my shoulders, squeezing me into her so I can smell the accented aroma of the perfume Steph brought for her to wear on their wedding day.

The corridors are vacant now as we reach the teacher's parking lot. Hearing the waves crashing against the shore in the background the brine soaked air comforting me I open the door and get in. The drive is placid and I spend it hoping for a time when Connor and I are friends again. A time that may never come.

When we get in Callie and Marianna are sitting on the coach talking about something private. I don't stop to ask questions. Climbing up the stairs I meet Stef on the landing.

"You okay love? Did everything go alright?" She asks with a maternal affection. Responding in the same way I did to Lena, I nod. "Well okay, dinner is going to be a little later tonight." Turning her back she descends the stairs, allowing me to retreat into my room. I say my room but Jesus is lying on his bed reading a book that appears to encompass wrestling positions and little else. Ignoring him I lay on my own bed, rolling over to lay on my side. It feels like everything's falling apart. Things aren't normal. Yet. Everything is so excruciatingly average I am finding it hard to breathe. Please let everything be ok.


	3. The Girlfriend

_**Hello! So here is another chapter for you! I read your so meets and as requested added some more dialogue, most of which is taken from the show itself! I hope you enjoy and let me know if y'all have any questions or suggestions! Hope you enjoy ❤️**_

Life is painful, okay. How is anyone my age able to practice an amity filled existence when all the events that occur are quite frankly a load of shit. I was angry I won't lie to you. I've been angry all my life. Do you have any idea of the psychological stress the foster system can have on someone my age? No. Of course not. I'm just tiered of playing pass the parcel. Even now after my adoption, Callie could still be taken away from me, still tossed from one _**household**_ to the next. I suppose I still feel guilty about the whole Robert thing. Actually, I'm angry. Nobody can be this unfortunate. Right? It's like with this whole Connor thing. How can things be this unfair? Naturally I don't display the rage within me, instead maintaining a docile and therefore violent free demeanour. That's another thing curtesy of the foster system: my hatred of abuse towards another human being. I moan audibly as frustration dares surface at these thoughts. Rolling over and lifting the duvet off, I rise from my bed as the day waits in a predatory stance.

Half an hour later I've changed into jeans and a t-shirt, currently brushing my teeth. Leaning over to spit in the sink I hear the door swing open behind me as Jesus enters. He gives me that look of irritation that he's managed to perfect over the months spent together.

"Dude, hurry up, I need to pee!" One day I'm sure he'll realise that just by saying dude before a command it doesn't stop him sounding overbearing. I like my brother most of the time, apart from when he's being rude. I think I prefer Brandon more though which I'm not sure I'm allowed to do. Not wanting to cause an argument when I have too much on my mind already, I do as he asks. I don't see anyone else because I leave before I have the chance to. Walking to school is long enough that I can relax a little but short enough to cause the tension in my stomach to rise. If I see Connor today, which I should as we have Science second, I'll apologise to him. Or would that make me seem needy? Should I just ignore him instead? Or would he be mad? Before I've fully established what I should do I arrive at school. With no where to go I resign to sitting on a bench looking over the beach. Waiting. Whilst I'm continuing my thought process as to what I'll say to Connor a pair of hands clamp down on my shoulders making me jump. It was Callie.

"Hey how come you didn't wait for us?" She asks a hint of annoyance scarring her voice.

"Sorry, I umm, forgot." To be fair it was a lame excuse but it was all I could really think of.

"Well, don't do that again okay? You still walking home with Marianna after school?" Nodding I couldn't help but feel irritated by her bossy persona. My sister has always been there for me and I can sense she knows something's wrong but her need to tell me what to do stops me confiding in her. Truth is I'm not sure if I can trust Callie with this. Moreover, I'm not sure I can bring myself to betray Connor for real. She tried asking me about it last night but I turned it around and made it into a Robert talk. Looking at her I notice how she's waiting for me to say something more.

"Okay," I mumble, managing a little twitch at the corners of my mouth "I'm going to start heading to lessons, the bell will go soon." Saying goodbye I walk towards the building. I have half a mind to go and hide in the toilets like yesterday. Yet, the more time that passes the worse things may get. Daydreaming through first period I end up not hearing the teacher tell us to pack up so am almost late to Science. As soon as I get there the class files in and is told to collect a potato kit from the front. Just as I've grabbed the plastic container I see Connor walking in. I feel nervous and awkward. He looks up.

"Hey I was looking for you."

"You were?" I reply confused and slightly hopeful.

"Yeah, er, can we switch lab partners?" It's a knife in my stomach. I want to shout no. But all I can manage is an 'Umm'. Does this mean Connor hates me that much? After all I didn't really tell anyone.

"It's just er, Daria asked me to be her partner so…" We both look over at the girl Connor with that same look he gave me. I don't even want to be alive right now. This was his version of punishing me. Not himself.

"Yeah, er, it's cool…" I hear myself stuttering with a fake smile to make it seem like he hadn't just destroyed me. I go to walk over to the other girl, whilst Daria meets me in the middle.

"Oh, er, Jude?" Connor calls delicately.

"Yeah?" Turning my head instantly towards him I feel an ounce of hope return.

"The potato?" Right. I'd just made a fool out of myself. All throughout the lesson I caught glimpses of their unashamed flirting. It hurt more. Connor must really not want to be friends with me anymore; it was a truth I wasn't ready for.

The lesson dragged by after that. Despite Taylor being nice I couldn't help the venomous jealousy accumulating inside. It was over. I'd finally lost my best friend. Eventually the torture conceded and I was allowed to leave. Barely noticing my next periods I thought constantly about what Connor could feel for Daria. Soon it was lunch, suspecting that I would no longer have anyone to eat with, I strolled around looking for a vacant seat. What I didn't see was Daria, Taylor and Connor, before it was too late.

"Hey Jude!" Calling me over with a withdrawn beckoning motion, "Come here." Not knowing what else to do I went to see what she wanted hoping that this wouldn't annoy Connor further. "Oh my god, Taylor was just telling us how funny you were in science class today. Sit; come have lunch with us." Not sure what to say I glance over at Connor who was smiling like he used to. Taylor too seemed okay with it.

"Umm," checking for confirmation which I didn't receive I decided to just go for it, "Okay."

We talked a bit about science and everything was pretty calm. Daria, who I now know likes to be in control of a situation, asked if we all wanted to go see a movie as a group. In all honesty I panicked. What if this was just an act from Connor and he didn't actually want me there? Deciding to lie enough to give me an excuse not to go, I mentioned something about not being allowed. What with Daria's imposing nature she assured me it was all good. Taylor was then whisked away by her to pee, leaving Connor and I on our own.

"If you want I, I can say my moms won't let me go."

"No, no it's fine, I don't mind if you go." Relief washed over me as I realised he wasn't mad. Curiosity wrapped itself round my tongue as the words were released.

"So is Daria your girlfriend?" I hadn't actually meant to ask but I still didn't understand. After the night in the tent I'd just assumed he wasn't into girls.

"I guess…yeah.." He trailed off at the end.

"I didn't know you…" I was going to say like girls but realised how wrong that'd be, "Liked her." I corrected.

"She's hot." It was more like he was giving himself a reason, not me. Nodding my head gently I figured it was what I should expect him to say. "Urm, do you like Taylor?" He asked. I knew what he was doing so I humoured him.

"Yeah she's nice." That was it. He'd done it again. We'd gotten too close and now we had to be punished. I let the conversation come to a slow then when the bell went we agreed when to meet tonight.

By the end of the day I wasn't sure if I wanted to throw up or cheer. Tonight I'd have to watch Connor and Daria but at least he would be there. We were okay. For now. After school I rushed home dragging a reluctant Marianna with me.

"Hey Judicorn, what's the rush?" She enquires as she half jogs to keep up with me. "Seriously, can we slow down just a little?" Shaking my head I keep my eyes forwards, determined to get home as fast as humanly possible. Marianna tutted behind then began sharing her day with me, not that I was listening. As soon as we got in I sprinted up the stairs, crashing onto my bed with my head stuffed into the pillow.

It's getting closer and closer to seven yet I can't bring myself to start getting ready. I asked Lena as soon as she got in if it was alright, then text Daria that it was okay. It did cross my mind to confirm with Connor but nerves got the better of me. Evidently Momma had told Callie because she came in and mentioned something about how to treat a girl if you want to impress them. The problem was it wasn't Taylor I wanted to impress. I couldn't tell her that though, so instead I muttered something about getting ready.

Putting on some fresh clothes I proceeded to the bathroom to sort my hair. Whilst in there Jesus came in, obviously in a better mood from this morning. "Hot date?" He asked causing a sense of irritation.

"No," this wasn't a date, I wasn't dating Taylor so it wasn't a lie "Connor and I are going to the movie with some girls. As a group." I add at the end making sure he understood.

"As a group?" He chuckled, "That's what people tell their parents when they don't want them to know what they're really doing." From the way he said it you would've thought it was obvious what he meant but I had to clarify.

"What are we really doing?"

"Going to the movies: a dark place you can do things with a girl that you can't do in the light." I didn't get it. "Hooking up." Oh. Got it. That didn't mean Connor would be…you know…with Daria. I thought about our kiss, the way it had felt, and I found myself loathing the idea of Daria claiming those lips as her own. Jesus laughed. "Good Luck," he winked "You're gunna need it!" Knowing he was just teasing was one thing. But knowing there was some truth to it was another.

20 minutes of heavy fretting later and I heard the honk of a horn from outside. It must be Daria's mom. Slowly making my way downstairs I could feel my heart beat increasing. My hands becoming sweaty. My thoughts clouded. Here we go.

The drive had been filled by Daria wittering on about what to expect from the film 'Bright Lights' whilst Connor, Taylor and I chipped in the odd comment. I was sat in the middle, Taylor on my left, Connor on my right. Our shoulders were touching and so were our thighs. Breathe. I sometimes forget to exhale when I'm anxious. Managing to last the whole journey, we all got out of the car, thanked Daria's mom and went to buy tickets and some snacks.

Walking into the raked auditorium, the big screen at the front, we paused to talk seat arrangements. Against my will I found myself agreeing to sitting at the back even though this meant those things Connor could do with a girl were more likely to happen. Nevertheless I went with it, soon finding myself sitting next to Connor. He pulled down the armrest purposefully. I got the message. Loud and clear. Taylor was right about one thing. It would defiantly be awkward if they started making out.

A little while into the film and the protagonist was talking to his one true love.

 _"Can you think of a better reason, cause I can't."_

The character had now wrapped himself around the woman. It looked like the same embrace Connor and I had shared before we…I look over at him. Daria is sipping her drink and he has his eyes fixed on the screen.

 _"I'll let you go if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel what I feel."_

 _"Tod..."_ Connor lifts his arm, laying it on the armrest next to mine. _"It's too much."_

 _"I know you want to Sandra, I can see it in your eyes."_ He's so close now. I'm not sure what to do so I just stay still letting the emotions flow free. The two on screen are now making out but I can't focus on the image, instead I can sense Connor's pinky edging it's way nearer and nearer to mine. That same heat radiating from his hand as it hunts for mine. Blissful contact irradicates any doubts. We're okay.

Checking Taylor isn't looking I return the pressure. Barely breathing I feel tense and yet relaxed. A second later and Connor's pinky is now covering mine. I think I want to cry. I've been so worried that he'd hate me I'm overwhelmed by this courageous show of affection. Whether it's his way of saying we're still friends or we're more than friends, I can't be sure, I'm just glad of the connection. His hand almost covers mine and I can feel my heart swell. I wallow in the sensation some more. Knowing that in this moment we can be ourselves. We can care for each other without caring about the aftermath.

It doesn't last though. The movie ends and his palm is quickly withdrawn. We don't mention it. Not even by secret looks. I guess this means we pretend it didn't happen…again.


	4. Tension

_**Bonjour you wonderful lot! So here's another chapter but I'd just like to say thanks for your support, y'all are awesome! As always hope you enjoy and don't be shy to leave questions, suggestions or comments. ❤️**_

All night I mulled over what had happened. The significance of this could not be understated. This wasn't just Connor being friendly, this was him making a move. Had he just wanted to hold someone's hand he would've held Daria's but no. He had held mine. Carefully yet with clear intentions. Did this mean he hadn't forgotten that night in the tent? I know I shouldn't get my hopes up but there's a permeant smile that - even here in the dark, the only noise being Jesus' snores - won't fade. Alright, I'm a little bit confused about where we stand now and I know I can't ask him because we don't do deep conversations much, but at least we're all good. That's the main thing. Returning to the memory I let sleep drag me into a peaceful and warming dream. When I wake up I can't remember the dream but it must have had something to do with Connor because I have that fuzzy feeling inside that I've come to associate with him. Lying there a little longer I take the time to just be happy. You know, before something mucks it up.

Brandon, Callie and I are now sitting round the table eating breakfast, Marianna, Jesus and Momma are nowhere to be found. Brandon, who is still slightly awkward with me since the whole Callie thing breaks the near silence.

"So I hear you have a girlfriend now?" It's kind of funny to hear him trying to talk girls with me but I don't let on "What's her name? Trina, or something…" cutting over him I feel it only right to correct him.

"Taylor. And she's not my girlfriend." Brandon gives a nod as if to say, oh right, well that was a good talk. Luckily though, Momma comes in saying that Jesus and Marianna aren't going to school. I heard Jesus saying something like that last night when I went to brush my teeth after the movies. I didn't think they would though! I was actually kind of impressed. Getting down from the table whilst Moms talk about what they should do, I scamper up the upstairs to see Marianna before grabbing my bag to go.

"Hey, is it true?" I queried from the doorway "You really not going to school?"

"Umm, yeah. None of us are." I could tell she was determined to prove a point so I didn't say anything to convince her otherwise.

"Okay, well good luck with that." Grinning I give her a wink denoting the struggle she will have to face when it comes to Steph and Lena.

"Thanks Judicorn! You sure you're okay if I don't walk with you?"

"Yeah, it's fine. See you later." Waving goodbye I hurry out of her room as I see Callie coming up the stairs to clean her teeth. She looks at me with a suspicious squint. Straight faced I go to my room get my bag then rush down the stairs. Brandon is at the bottom.

"Hey, you not walking with Callie?"

"Nope, gotta go, bye!" I exclaim as I hurry out the door. It wasn't that I wanted to walk alone. I just knew I'd get to school quicker on my own. Thus giving me a larger window in which to find Connor and ask him a few things. When I finally arrived I couldn't find him. I did, however, find Taylor. She was standing around craning her head trying to find someone. Spotting me she gives a timid wave. Not wanting to seem rude I return it approaching her cautiously.

"Umm, hey…" I offer.

"Hey, have you seen Daria?" Shaking my head, she furrows her eyebrows. "I hate it when she does this!" Taylor muttered, more to herself than to me.

"Does what?"

"She'll tell me to be here early so we can talk then is late." Personally I didn't see how this would annoy someone, but I cast it aside as a girl thing and help her look. After 10 minutes of playing detective we eventually find her and Connor on one of the benches in the quad. I can't help but feel a bit dejected. They were all cozied up to each other looking like a couple. Did this mean he was just using me? Leading me on? Cross at this thought I didn't hear them say hi. I just looked straight at Connor who diverts his eyes down, away from mine. Okay. I got it. He was just using me as something on the side. Playing with my mind. I won't let him show that he's got to me, not yet at least. The bell goes and we all head to our lessons.

All day I can't help but feel like shit. From the high I was at this morning it now feels like I'm close to depression. At the moment it's lunch and Taylor and I are sitting on a tree whilst the other two are making out opposite. Not capable of looking away I narrow my eyes as I watch them. Twisting a Mr Potato Head in my hands that Taylor had brought in to use during our presentation on how potatoes that can produce electricity could be the way forward for mankind, I feel the tinge of heat in my cheeks. It wasn't enough to make me hate him though. Nothing will ever do that. Taylor began blabbering on about meerkats but it didn't help. I couldn't pretend this away.

"Hey!" Barking at the two it managed to bring me back to reality "Have any of you guys been to the fair yet? It's the last weekend. I was thinking we could all go tomorrow…" I wasn't expecting; I figured our group trip to the cinema was a one time thing. I didn't want to go though. Not with Connor and Daria anyway. I'd come to realise that Connor was being a jerk. I hear Daria mention something about plans to go to the pier and I look up. Good. Connor's eyes then make direct contact with mine as he says:

"The fair sounds fun." Casting a side note to Daria "We can go to the pier anytime." From the look on Daria's face she's not to keen on that idea, nor was I. No I won't let him lead me on like this. I need to show him that he can't keep doing this to me. Say something. Come up with an excuse.

"I can't. I have plans." I say then, so as not to make Taylor feel bad I add "With family."

"What about Sunday?" Connor counters.

"Perfect!" Daria interjects "Then we can still go to the pier." Shit. Say something else.

"All weekend." Smooth. Seriously I can do better. "We're going camping." Or not. It was a weak excuse and Connor calls me out straight away.

"Didn't you just go camping?" Dammit Stevens why are you so determined to get me to go?

"We're going again!" It comes out angrier then I intended and I remember that Taylor was only asking. I look at her and manage a "Sorry." Before needing to leave. If I didn't go I may have said something else that I would regret later.

I can't help but feel guilty all through English as I recall how I lied to Taylor. She was only being nice. Oh well. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. As soon as school ends I head straight to the staff room where Momma told me to meet her. Opening the door I ask her if she's ready to leave.

"I am, but it looks as if we're going to have some company." Turing my head I see Connor sat on the small sofa. Oh crap. "Connor's father called and he asked if he could stay the night." Lena explains. Unsure as to what to do I can't resist asking why. "Because he's out of town on business and his flight got cancelled." Detecting my hesitation she adds "Hey, it'll be fun we'll order pizza, I'll bake some cookies, okay?" I glance over at Connor. I know he knows I don't want him to come round.

"Yeah." I manage.

"Okay, er, I've got to drop something off. I'll meet you guys at the car." Then she's gone leaving me and Connor by ourselves. There's too much awkward tension in the air which is only exacerbated by Connor when he asks what happened to our family camping trip. Right. Yep. I lied. Got it. Following behind him I think of an apology. But nothing comes to mind. Arriving at the car we wait in silence for Lena.

"Umm, I hate fairs…" Not sure why I said that. "That's why I, umm, came up with the whole camping thing." Pathetic.

"Sure." He spits back, although without sarcasm.

Nothing more is said and the drive home consists of Momma trying to summon answers from us but to no avail. This should be fun…


	5. The Kiss

_**Howdy! So there was so much going on in this chapter! If y'all have any questions, suggestions or comments please share them! I hope you like it!❤️**_

Nothing. We're saying nothing. When Momma finally pulls up on the drive way I get out straight away. Striding inside I don't wait to see if Connor is following. When I get through the front door Steph is there wiping her hands on a tea towel.

"Hey Love, I've just started dinner. You had a good day?" Widening my eyes slightly and opening my mouth I go to say yeah but then I hear footsteps behind me and just shrug. Mom sees Connor and gaps momentarily. "Mr Stevens, nice to see you again." She smiles looking at Momma for an explanation. She just shakes her head as if to say not now. "Umm, well. Why don't you and Jude go upstairs and we'll call you down when dinners ready…" At that we leave moms to talk. Thankfully Jesus isn't home. At first I figured Connor would want to talk about what was going on but no, he didn't. He dumped his bag and started looking around. Rolling my eyes I sit down on my bed.

"So, er, what did you think about that movie?" Grinning a little, I can't tell if he's trying to be moronic or it just comes naturally.

"Umm, yeah. It was alright I guess…" Laughing he drums his head in agreement.

"Yeah, it sucked!" Damn straight I think laughing.

We spend the next 40 minutes talking about what we've missed from each other's lives. We talk about everything from School to Home yet it's not what we should discuss. I'm actually so pissed off with him. He always has to ignore the obvious. It's not until Jesus comes into the room that we stop talking. "Hey moms say to sit up."

We're all sitting round the table (except Brandon) while Moms serve up Dinner. Marianna and Jesus are going on about the e-mail they saw and Callie is trying to navigate her way back into our sisters good books. Although I can't really appreciate how cool Marianna's coding thing was because I'm still fuming at Connor, I do get why Mom's impressed. Momma then interrupts the conversation.

"Okay, alright, can we just please change the subject? We have a dinner guest here and I'm sure he's bored to tears." Connor gives Lena a look of disbelief.

"I'm not bored! I mean dinner with just me and my Dad, that's boring." I kinda felt for him. I'd nearly always been with Callie. Then she got sent to July and it was just me and the foster guy (the way he hit me stopped me from ever being able to call him parent). At dinner it wasn't boring, it was terrifying. I wonder if Connor felt the same way about Adam.

"Well, it's the nice thing about being in a big family." Marianna points out. She then digs at Callie "Don't know why anyone would want to give that up." It wasn't spiteful it was a desperate last attempt.

"Marianna!" Steph warns.

"It's fine." Callie dismisses although you can hear that she's not okay. They don't understand how hard this is on her. I get it though.

"Well Connor, it is very nice to have you. It's been a long time since you've spent the night." Mom is moving on the conversation. I don't like it though. She's pointed out the main problem between us, thanks Mom.

"Not long enough." Jesus muttered. We all look at him. "I've got an idea, why don't you two sleep in a tent in the backyard and you can pretend like you're camping." Way to be an arsehole. Scowling at my brother and then at Connor, I eat my dinner with furious munches. As soon as I'm finished I ask if I can get down.

Storming up to my room I fling myself onto my bed where I sizzle with aggression. About 5 minutes later Jesus comes up. "Sorry Jude. It's just I don't exactly wanna be sharing our room with even more people." It was good of him to say something. Normally he just leaves it to sort itself out (kind of like Connor) "I'm going out for a bit, Moms told me to give Connor something to sleep in so if you could tell him I left them over by his stuff that'd be cool." Watching as he places a pair of joggers and a top by Connor's stuff nodding to show him I heard. He then grabs his board and leaves. Not long after Connor comes up.

"There are some clothes for you there, you know, to sleep in." I say gesturing towards the clothes. He grabs them and heads to the bathroom. Whilst he's there I pull out my tablet from under my pillow and begin playing on the all to addictive app.

"Hey thanks, for the pyjamas." Connor directs at me as he renters.

"Thank Jesus."

"I don't think he's very happy I'm here." Connor observes. I hear the intangible worry in his voice so I calm his nerves somewhat.

"He's cool." Admittedly I don't owe Connor this but I don't seem able to let Connor openly suffer. Remembering my own suffering I ask if Connor's still going to the pier with Daria.

"Nawh, my Dad's not going to be back till late so I'm supposed to just hang here till he picks me up, if that's okay?" Inside I'm screaming yes. Finally. Outside I'm reserved.

"Sure."

"What are you playing?" He's trying to be friendly. Play nice.

"Star Wars Commander but I can't beat the Crete Dragon." Connor says something about what to do then asks if he can show me. Titling my head I extend the tablet towards him. He the lays on the bed next to me demonstrating what to do. Trying to concentrate on the screen is near impossible when Connor's so close. His scent is practically suffocating me. Staring at the space between us I can't help but feel how wrong it is. Altering it so we are touching I feel the satisfaction rippling through me. Looking back at the screen I manage to say something based off of what I can see. Tapping the tablet I manage to kill the Dragon.

"Nice!" I say then in unison we compliment each other with a 'Good Job'. Maybe it's because I'm buzzing after having got past that level or maybe not. Either way my foul mood has dissipated and I'm finally allowing myself to relax. I guess Connor can feel it too because he seems to also relax. We're almost back to our old selves. I inquire as to whether he's gotten any better at Baseball and he gives me a sarcastic look.

"Careful." He banters back.

"What are you gunna do?" I taunt him. He nudges me and I nudge him back slightly harder. It's just enough to knock him off the side of the bed and onto the floor. Crawling to the edge of my mattress I crack up laughing. Connor has a huge smile on his face though I can tell he's trying to hide it.

"Okay, fair game. Here help me up." He says putting a hand out for me to pull him up on. Offering mine to his I am not expecting the heavy force as Connor launches me off the floor, consequently on top of him. We're both laughing uncontrollably as I give him a playful punch to the arm, rolling off of him. We stay there for a while. Just sprawled on the floor. Not touching but close enough. It feels like the night in the tent. Suddenly a wave of nostalgia is thrown on me. I won't act on the feelings in my heart though they're becoming hard to ignore. I'm considering doing something when we hear a knock on the door. It's Momma.

"Hey you two, we're about to watch a film if you wanna join us?" Tilting my head to see Connor, he nods so I tell her we'll be down in a minute. Grabbing a blanket we race down to the living room and grab seats on the sofa next to each other. Steph brings in some popcorn and we watch the film. At one point Connor's pinky brushes against my thigh. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a mischievous quirk to the line of his mouth. When the film ends we go upstairs. Feeling tiered we go say goodnight and try to get some sleep.

In the morning I wake up to see Connor still sound asleep. I rub my eyes and watch him. I can see the inhale and exhale as his chest rises and falls. He looks peaceful and I feel an ache inside. He still hurt me though. Also staring at him like this is really creepy. Stretching I vent out through a yawn. I get out of bed seeing Jesus has already left. Pulling out some clean jeans and one of my long sleeved shirts I waddle to the far end of my room to change. As I'm pulling of my shirt I realise Connor could wake up at any second. As a result I find myself relocating to the bathroom.

"Jude?" I hear a voice call from my room.

"Yeah?" I whisper back. "Connor I'm just getting changed."

"Mmkay, I will too." I can hear creaking as he too gets up. Expecting him to wait so he can get changed I go to walk back in but see he's already pulled off his shirt. Quickly I turn away my blood pulsating round my body at a rapid pace. I swallow.

"You good?" I call out.

"Yeah." Fortunately I don't think he saw me. We talk a little bit before going down to get breakfast. Nobody is there so I play host. Afterwards we go outside. We laze around on the grass for a while.

"You wanna play catch?" Connor suggests softly.

"Sure." We then spend a while tossing the ball back and forth as I make little commentaries. Connor throws the ball at me so hard I have to dodge out of the way. He laughs at me.

"Ha ha. Very funny." I then lob my glove at him to which he gives me a challenging look. "Oh sorry, that was an accident." I sneer with sarcasm dripping from my voice.

"Oh really?" I can tell what's coming just from the tone of his voice.

"No!" I squeal. Too late. Connor is chasing me. Adrenaline takes over as he wrestles me to the ground and pins me. Submitting our laughter subsides and we're left staring into each other's eyes. Does he remember? That night in the tent we were play fighting just like this. There's a tender thirst in both of us. Is he going to…a phone goes off. The moments gone. Connor un-straddles me going to check. "What are you doing?"

"Sorry. Daria just text me. She wants to know if I wanna come over?" Unbelievable. He doesn't actually want to go does he? Oh god, maybe he does. Maybe I've misread this whole situation. Crap.

"Do you?"

"Well what else is there to do?" Although trying to lighten the mood he'd said the one thing I was so not wanting to hear. What else? How about hang out with me? You're once best friend. There's to much defiance; I'm almost ready to cry. I give a nod as I exhale heavily.

"You should go then."

"No it's fine, we don't have too." Retreating back he tries to amend the broken bond. Too late. I'm tiered of listening to his shit.

"Whatever. Just go." I stand up. I can't be messed around any longer. If he wants Daria, fine. I'm not going to wait. By the time I get to my room once more my breathing is uneven and I'm pretty sure I'm close to a panic attack. I'm not ready to lose him. Trying to distract myself I occupy my thoughts playing a game.

Connor comes to the door. "Hey I texted Daria back and I told her I'm just going to stay here." Congratulations. I look up with contempt filled eyes.

"It's not nice to lead people on." I'm not sure if I meant me or Daria. Probably me.

"Okay, well I'm not." Connor assured. I didn't believe him. He then tapped my foot. Knowing the contact was enough to break me.

"Stop it!" Commanding him I feel aggravated. He goes to do it again and that's it. No more. How dare he lead me on, use me then try and do it again. I see red. Kicking out I come into contact with his stomach. Crumbling to the floor he lets our a yelp of pain. Oh shit. I didn't mean to…I mean I did but…guilt takes over. "Are you okay? I, I didn't mean to kick you that hard."

"Why'd you kick me at all?" He groans back. Seriously? Do I have to spell it out. Fine. Here goes nothing.

"You kissed me, remember? In the tent." His deep eyes widen in horror at my direct acknowledgment. "And then at the movie theatre you held my hand. And then all day you've been…" Flirting? "I just, I don't get this! I don't get you!" Searching my face I can see him clearly. He's as scared and as confused as I am. We don't need words. Words don't describe what we need the other to know. Connor hesitantly leans in. Closing my eyes I accept it. The kiss is tender and careful. It's not the same as our first one. This isn't an experiment. This is a question. This is Connor's way of saying I'm sorry, please don't let me lose you. This is my forgiveness, my way of saying I won't ever give up on us. Friends or more. We pull apart. For a time we just look at each other.

"Okay." I breathe out.

"Okay." Connor returns in a promised whisper. He then hugs me. His arms protective and strong. We stay like that for what seems like an eternity. Eventually Moms wake up and as we hear them moving around we break the embrace and simply slump, backs against the bed, with our fingers intwined. No one comes into the room so we stay like that all day. We don't need to talk. We don't do talking.

"Connor!" Momma calls up. "Your Dad's here!" Connor squeezes my hand. Smiles at me. Then grabs his stuff.

"See you Monday." I tilt my head forward slightly and respond with a shy smile.

Then he's gone and I'm left with overloading happiness.


	6. Sneaking Out

_**Why hello there! Okay so this was more of a filler chapter than anything else. Now I'm taking a curve ball with this story. Instead of following the whole shooting storyline things are going to happen a little differently!;) I hope you enjoy (as always) and please feel free to ask me questions, give me suggestions or simply let me know what y'all think! ❤️**_

The rest of the day I stay up in my room. I don't want to contaminate the day by risking a sudden need for consolation if I accidentally get into an argument with any of my siblings. Lying on my bed I hum to myself completing homework and ignoring the voices infiltrating the room. Presumably it's Callie on a rampage but I don't dwell on this. The light outside is slowly dwindling to the point where I get up and turn on the light. I had hoped for Connor to text me when he got home but no such luck. I guess this doesn't change much. At around six, Marianna knocks on my door.

"Hey Judicorn, we're having take out! What do you want?" Not sure, I follow her down.

We order, wait then devour the cheap junk food hungrily. Afterwards I go take a shower. Soon I'm snuggled up in bed with clothes laid out for tomorrow. Today had been a good day.

The next day I find myself ambling round Anchor Beach, when Connor shows up. We greet each other casually. I'm still mulling over the horror of not having brushed my teeth. I get why everyone was so against me filling the space as it was at maximum capacity but still. It sucks being the youngest. I decide to ask Connor.

"Umm, do you have any gum? I…I didn't brush my teeth this morning…" It was an awkward request. I saw the grin stretch over his face.

"Exhale." He demanded.

"What? No." I respond.

"Come on." Connor insists. Fine, if he really wanted too. Leaning in I breathe out heavily. Laughing he pulls back. "Oh my god, that's disgusting."

"I told you." I say with a hint of defiance.

"I'm just kidding," he said before adding "But seriously, you need some gum!" His laughter is contagious so joining in I make a point of shoving him playfully in the arm as we continue. "Hey so, do you wanna hang out after school?" Connor proposed. Realising how needy he might be coming across he added: "Do our homework?" Sounded like a plan.

"Er, you wanna come over?" I ask back.

"Yeah sure. Meet you at the bench." Hurrying off to class I was left walking by myself smiling in satisfaction.

I didn't see Connor all day, including lunch when I had a detention for not bringing in my homework. Baring in mind I'd done it, just forgotten to bring it in, I was fairly agitated. Even so, I still got to hang out with Connor at the end of the day so I ploughed through it. Making my way happily towards the bench I saw Connor kiss Daria. Seriously? He looked up, saw me and waved. Keep calm Jude. Remaining calm I smiled back as they got up and Connor came over.

"Hey, you ready?" We walked home discussing odd topics, avoiding the Daria talk as much as possible. When we got in Moms were back, saying hellos we went upstairs. We were studying when Jesus came in and told us to leave. I tried to stop him from kicking us out but I was unsuccessful. We went to the dining room but Momma was laying the table.

We went to the yard but Marianna was preoccupied. Our final try failed as Callie, Mom and now Momma were there. Understanding that this wasn't going to work Connor decided to leave. Following him out he mentioned TPing someone's house with the girls. It was only when he mentioned that we could spend some time, just the two of us, that I got why he wanted to go. Fine.

The night we were supposed to go I ate little because I didn't think I'd be able to keep my food down, what with the nerves. Once everyone was asleep I snuck out via the backdoor leaving it strategically unlocked. When I got to the address Taylor had texted me they were already there. It was fun. We stayed until the lights came on. We scampered off. After dropping our bikes off at Daria's who said we could leave them there then collect them tomorrow we said our goodbyes. Herself and Taylor we're going in and Connor and I weren't.


	7. Midnight Indulgence

**_So this is my take on what would have happened if Taylor hadnt suggested going back to hers! I hope you like it! Y'all know the drill: Questions, Suggestions and Comments welcome! ❤️_**

Waving goodbye to Daria and Taylor, we slunk off into the darkness. We'd only been walking for 5 minutes when Connor's fingers laced themselves in mine. Surprised at the initial contact I soon found my heat rate simmer to a reasonable pounding. The street we walked down reflected the suburban coastline as a peaceful and innocent wonderland. Houses separated by neat even gardens with perfectly trimmed hedges and orderly cut grass looked picturesque in the vacant light. Stepping in rhythm, Connor and I headed for the same place without the need to discuss. Thank fully that much had not changed, lexical choice was not something we used often in times like these. Passing a prim and proper house I imagined the family that lived there. A mother slept next to a father with their doe eyed children dreaming under a canvas ceiling of stars, immune to the hatred and hostility that the world so keenly offered.

Dragging my palm slightly to signify the turning my thoughts dissipated into the still night air. We'd almost reached the rock now, only a small hike down the barren promenade and we'd be there. I listened to the lazy charge of frothing stallions tumble into beds of charted sand gazing at Connor from the peripheral of my eye. Homing a delicate smile I could just make out his features. I then realised that the embryo of joy cocooning itself in my stomach would surely happen into metamorphic state, releasing a flurry of butterflies once we finally reached our destination. Feeling Connor withdraw from the combination of our hands a sudden anxiety braces my chest. After realising he's taking his trainers off, I relax and follow suit. Our feet grace the cool granules of sedimentary deposit whilst our palms meet once more. With each step we take I sink a little into the sand as I feel it grounding me to the Earth. Up ahead the rock comes into a hazy focus. Swallowing the butterflies that have now began frantically beating against my insides I can't help but question whether I should have declined the offer to spend the time together: just the two of us. Remembering the family I'd conjured in my mind, I reluctantly considered the fact that we shouldn't be doing this. We would never be that mother and father placid and blessed with our beloved children tucked asleep in their warm beds. Our path was more sinister, encased with fear and uncertainty. This could never work. The corners of my mouth fell and a surge of tears demanded refuge in my eyes.

We'd reached the rock now and Connor had placed his shoes to the side. Turning round he twisted his hand in mind so he didn't have to let it go. Carefully he took the shoes from me and placed them next to his. He stretched towards me then captured my free fingers to tug me closer. With my arms ending by his hips, my torso tantalisingly near to his and a foot either side of his legs, we stood. Pushing forward slightly so his back was no longer against the rock, Connor angled himself. He was only a few centimetres away. Pausing momentarily our eyes met. There was none of the concern or worry that had plagued our first encounters. Instead we mirrored a serene assurance that here, with no one around, the subtle sun rising gingerly on the horizon, we only wanted each other. Connor lowered his eyes to my lips then back up again. The token of anticipation was welcoming and I knew he wanted me to be the first to instigate anything. Both times he had been the more dominant one but here we existed as equals. Lifting my head up to meet his I closed my eyes. The sensation was breathtaking. His full lips brushed back on mine as he allowed me to set the pace. Beforehand our kisses had been chaste pecks and occupied questions. Now, however, the pure euphoria of it led me to assimilate the concept of a more bold endeavour. Venturing my hands away from Connor's I harboured them on the side of his waste, thrusting him against the rock as I did so. His own lonely palms searched for a new habitat finding shelter as they wrapped protectively around me. Increasing the force of the kiss encouraged Connor to part his lips. Hungry for more I too allowed each motion to deepen. It was not until a curious tongue brushed mine that I pulled back. Immediately I was met by an apologetic Connor who's flushed cheeks denoted embarrassment. Opening his mouth to mutter something about not meaning to make me uncomfortable, I stopped him with a quick peck smiling into his lips as I did so. Eventually I pulled away distancing myself from our intimate proxemics. Receiving an agitated look from Connor I let out a bemused chuckle. Sighing at me Connor bent his arms backwards using them to hoist himself up onto the rock. He looked at me then trailed his eyes up to the spot next to him. Pouting fractionally I followed his request. After heaving myself up so my stomach was pressed against the smooth rock I then wriggled around, pulling the rest of me up too. Once securely seated, I shuffled closer to Connor. We joined hands again, the action instinctive.

Sitting there thinking as the time ebbed away, oblivious to our presence, we waited. Whether it be for people to surface from the night or the dusk to finally dawn we did not know: we did not care. Resting my head on Connor's shoulder I forgot everything. Like my own personal supply of morphine, Connor managed to numb the growing struggle that taunted me daily.

"Jude?" Connor's voice echoed strangely across the beach, strained from the lack of use. I mumble a noise that shows him I'm listening. "I'm sorry." Halting mid inhale my half closed eyes widen as I raise my head off his shoulders to look at him. He's staring shamefully at our hands. As the corner of my mouth twitches I bring my free arm up, cupping his chin and guiding him to me. Our kiss is simple. As it ends I don't retreat. I merely tilt my lips away whilst his right arm comes up to meet the hand I have now cupped over his right cheek. We stay like this for a bit just soaking in the closeness. Against my better judgment I know I have to say the one thing that's still penetrating our time together. Reining in my neck so we're apart but only just, I cast my eyes out towards the sea. My left hand winding back into me.

"What about Daria?" The words break the membrane of our fantasy, justly causing Connor to groan inwardly. I know he doesn't want to talk about it but the fact of the matter is, we can't just ignore it. The way we feel for one another isn't going away anytime soon and apparently, neither is Daria. It's not fair to her or to me or even to Connor. Straightening up Connor resolves to not talking. "You can't just ignore this." There's no venom in my words, only truth. Biting his lip he turns towards me.

"If my Dad finds out I won't be able to see you anymore." There's a tang of accost in his tone like he can't contain the anger. Possibly towards me, yet it's more likely directed towards himself, the self loathing of not being able to take a stand against his father, eating at him. Shaking his head he then climbs off the rock and strolls over to the edge of the cascading tide. Surveying him I can't help but feel guilty. I jump clumsily off the rock. For a second, I debate whether or not to take our shoes deciding on the latter. Ceasing my advancement a metre or two off, I call to him.

"Connor?" Evading my attempt to lure him back too me he bends dow, picks up a stone and skips it. "Please don't shut me out." The voice crack makes him swivel around. Despite my efforts a single drop begins to trace itself down my face. In an instant Connor's back by my side. Wiping the tear away he places his forehead against mine.

"I'm not ready to lose you." He explains. "If dating Daria means we can have this," he gestures between us, "Then it's worth it." I understand. Admittedly I should have lengthened the conversation but the fact we were bad at heart felt ones deterred me somewhat. Nodding I feel him drape his arms around my hips. Kissing me once more the emotions control it. Leading my arms to his shoulders I curl my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

Soon we notice the intensifying light and return to the rock to collect our shoes. We then journey back across the beach. Hurrying past the streets of oblivious houses I allow the sense of adrenaline to wash over. The trek is doused in the same silence we took to get to the rock, hands held but this time, with a satisfaction quenched. Arriving at the cross road that would send Connor one way and me another we share a tender embrace. It's longer than a friendly hug goodbye. We let it last for a while because we can never be sure when we will next be able to share our affection for one another. Connor must have processed this thought as he leans in and gives me a shy kiss. Grinning hyperbolically he then spins on the spot and sets off home. Watching him go I trace over my lips at where he'd just been. Now it's my turn to scurry home.

When I finally arrive at my house I gulp down the nerves. It's lifeless and still, meaning no ones awake (or so I hope). Climbing over the gate and into the yard I jog to the back door which is still unlocked. Cringing at the slight screeching the unoiled hinges make I panic. Not moving for a good twenty seconds I decide that it's okay. I enter and close the door behind me then glance cautiously around the dark kitchen. All clear. Treading lightly I manoeuvre my way out into the hall way and up the stairs. Luckily they don't make the same creaking sound as many of the foster homes I'd stayed in before had. On the landing I scoped the area then darted hurriedly into my room. Throwing my clothes off and hiding them in a draw I changed into my pyjama's as fast as I can without waking Jesus - who was snoring away - up. Getting into bed and laying there I listened as my heavy breathing and thundering heart stabilised. I'd done it. I'd snuck out and nobody had noticed.


	8. The Nightmare

_**Hey y'all I'm so glad you liked the last chapter and your suggestions are awesome! I have something big planned so y'all best be ready! Hope you enjoy and as always leave me your questions, suggestions and comments! ❤️**_

 _Swaying rhythmically from side to side the boat rocks us a lullaby. Beyond the shore and past the boundaries of humanity we find ourselves sailing at the mercy of the wind. Our little white boat with a smooth wood finish carrying us safely to our haven. Fashioning a pair of white cotton shorts and white loose neck shirt, the bare footed Connor is resting with his back in the point at the rear of the vessel. I, myself am also dressed in light white fabrics, my body piecing into the space between his open legs. Fiddling respectfully with my hair the sea beckons a love song to the sky. Closing my eyes I feel the heat kissing my skin. Connor's angelic voice seals the scene as he offers a poem into the dreamy peace:_

 _My deepest blue,_

 _Never could compare,_

 _To your golden smile,_

 _Your darkened hair._

 _We share a secret:_

 _A truth worn well,_

 _We love each other,_

 _But we mustn't tell._

 _Around us clouds started to drift into view, fluffy innocent forms at first, quickly morphing into violent grey. Connor was no longer playing gently with my hair; he was tugging it harshly. With each stab of pain came a crackle of defiant thunder. The words bombarding me were no longer tender. Like the ferocious waves now tossing our boat around, they became hazardous._

 _Disgusting and wrong._

You've _infected me too!_

 _Blame me for our sin,_

 _Though, I know you knew._

 _All your fault,_

 _You caused this feud._

 _So know this now,_

 _I hate you Jude!_

 _His voice had gotten sucked into the cacophony as the world spun. Round and round. Mountainous strokes flung us wildly as acid spit hammered down on us. Connor was stood whilst I whimpered on the deck clinging for dear life. His voice chorused over the momentum of noise. "THIS IS ON YOU!" Not sure what he meant I tried to use my throat to scream but we capsized. Down, down, down. We sunk, drowning as the brine infiltrated my throat, the salt distracting me from the Sharks circling us. I was dying. No. No, no, no. NO. HELP. Please. Oh god._

"NO!" Sweating a cold beady dew dripped from me. I couldn't breathe. I felt sick and weak. Panting declaratively I heard a voice call to me.

"Jude?" Jesus. Trying to answer my brain couldn't formulate any words. Creaking floor boards announced my brother's approach. "Jude, you alright?" Nervous Jesus pulled open a curtain to let the early morning light illuminate our room. I was shaking now. Tremors that would not halter. "Hey, dude…" Jesus approached me slowly. "Wow, you're a mess Jude." All of a sudden tears started leaking from my eyes, another unaccustomed response. "Hey, hey, hey." Clambering onto my bed he pulled aside my duvet and brought me into an obligatory hug. Initially limp, my arms soon found themselves hugging him back. Clinging to my new found lifeline. "Shh, it's okay…" He was really trying to be sympathetic. I listened to Jesus' soothing words, no matter the cliché. Inevitably, I regained the ability to stutter out words.

"I'm…I'm okay." It was a lie. The nightmare was so random I'd been taken by surprise.

"Yeah right, what did you do when you snuck out?" Jesus inquired with a father like disapproval. Not realising he'd noticed my absence, I took longer than necessary to reply as I processed this information.

"How did you…I mean I…" Jesus reclaimed his arms maintaining his position on my bed.

"Relax," He said "I'm not going to tell Moms, but seriously, you watch a scary movie or something?" Though there were jesting intents behind his words, he couldn't suppress his concern.

"No…I," I spent most of the night with Connor. I couldn't share this with my brother of course. "I went to see some friends…" It wasn't a lie.

"Well okay. You sure you're okay now?" Jesus asked. I nodded as he ruffled my hair then walked back to his side of the room. I wasn't okay though. I had no idea what my dream meant. Vexed at how confused I was, I made my way to the shower. It was still early and most of the Adams-Foster residents were still oblivious to the world. Looking in the mirror I stared at the bags under my eyes, the untamed hair, the gaunt boy I was be holding was tormented by life's games. Groaning I got in and turned on the hot water letting it slosh over me, washing away my troubles.

(-.-)

Meet me at Daria's? We have to get our bikes. – C.

Still unsure about what my dream meant I wasn't sure I could face him. Even so I trailed the house to find Moms.

"Hey bud, what's up?" Momma was in the middle of ironing. I had to ask her while Stef was out so they couldn't collectively say no.

"Is it alright if I go out? I've done my homework and am all ready for tomorrow!" Rushing it Momma laughed at me as she ironed she another of my striped shirts.

"Well, alright just be back before 7." She demanded as I flashed her a quick smile, then shot out of the door. All around the singing of crickets filled the early evening air. Running the way to Daria's I managed to get there, collapsing near enough to her house. A few feet away Connor and her were discussing something and by the sounds of it, it was something they were disagreeing on.

"Well, maybe we should!" Daria snapped.

"Fine, doesn't bother me." Connor knocked back.

"Me neither." Glaring at each other Daria rotated then strode back up to her house. Connor muttered something before picking up his bike off of the ground. I walked over too him and my bike with a slow caution.

"Hey." Gone with his rage the moment he saw me I smiled. This was my Connor. The one who cared for me and didn't think I was wrong or sick. Shuddering at the memory of the nightmare Connor gave me a weird look. "You good?" Nodding seriously I picked up my bike and started wheeling it onto the sidewalk.

"What was that all about?" I said curiously.

"Just stuff…" Surprise Surprise, he didn't want to talk about it. "So I can't stay out, I just wanted to make sure you got away with it?" I won't lie to you when I say I was some what disappointed.

"Umm, Jesus knows but yeah, all good. You?" Connor shrugged.

"Even if I hadn't, I doubt my Dad would say anything, like, he probably thought it was to see…" Stopping himself Connor falls silent. I know what he was going to say. Sighing we walk to the crossroads without a word. Biding me fair well he cycles off home. I'd been hoping we could chat about last night and what it meant but no. Again, with the not discussing these things? It was becoming old, very fast. Mounting my bike I arrive home as Mom is pulling up on in her car.

"Hi love, what are you doing out?" Explaining how Momma said it was alright Steph raised an eyebrow. "Hmm, did she now?" She must have had a good day at work because she was in one of her fun moods. As it didn't happen often as of late I relished in it for the rest of the evening.

(-.-)

"Please, not now." Taylor was hounding on me. Concentrating religiously on the science project at hand I tried escaping her words.

"Just tell me! I'm right aren't I?" Currently interrogating me as to why Daria and Connor were no longer speaking. As I couldn't tell her it was probably because Connor and I were going behind her back to do things together that we shouldn't want to do. That Connor didn't really fancy his girlfriend so he was probably finding it difficult to keep up this absurd façade. That Daria could tell something was up. I couldn't say this though. I just had to pretend I was as clueless as Taylor. "I just don't get it. Connor was the one who started it with Daria so why is he the one being all pedantic now? Unless…" Freezing mid air the test tube she was holding suspended above the conical flask we were supposed to be using to mix alkalis with acids in. A pensive look swamped her features as she thought about something.

"Unless what?" I asked as he guided the tube onwards. Taylor gave me a stern look as she searched for something in my eyes. Feeling the analytical demand from her stare I diverted my eyes to our experiment not wanting her to detect the guilt buried deep there.

"Jude…You don't think he, you know, likes someone else do you?"

"What no!" I countered instantly, no doubt generating suspicion within Taylor. She gasped and dropped the test tube with the hydrochloric acid in. Everyone in the classroom clapped and jeered including Connor who was trying to negotiate a civil conversation with an un-cooperative Daria, across the classroom. Whipping her head to me Taylor's usually monotone voice became rich in disbelief.

"No way."

"I said to be careful! Jude fetch the dustpan and brush from the prep lab!" Ordered our teacher from the front as he gave a look of despair. "Taylor you mop up the solution!As for the rest of you, back to work." Doing as he said I rush to the prep lab and then returned. Bending down next to Taylor who was half heartedly dabbing at the liquid, I felt that same awkward tension fall. The moment I join her level she shoots me that look.

"What?" I'm kind of scared as she has a knowing expression, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"How long?" She hisses to me. Checking no one is listening I scan the room. Connor and Daria are now consumed in what appears to be the initiation of an argument.

"How long, what?" I say to Taylor.

"Don't do that with me Jude." Sweeping the last of the glass shards into the dustpan I stand back up.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I state coldly as I walk over to the glass bin to dispose of the waste. Taylor follows me, the acid soaked cloth still in her hands.

"I knew you had a crush on him!" She says triumphantly. Firing her a warning glance I leave to take back the pan. "Jude?" Taylor whispers as she continues her advance.

"What? What do you want me to say?" Although my temper is heating up the question comes out soft and timid. Sighing I lean against the wall between the two rooms. In front of me is a display on messenger RNA and its role in making proteins. Taylor halts beside me.

"Does he, um, like you back?" I should have said no. I should've told her how silly she was being. I should've done something, anything else. But I didn't. I just nodded sorrowfully. Her face falls into an 'O' shape. "I didn't…I mean I knew you liked him but I never thought…never would have guessed…Damn." She was obviously having a hard time comprehending this. "Daria would be pissed if she knew." She commented more as a subconscious after thought than an actual statement. Saucer eyes told her I was internally freaking out right now. "Relax, I'm not going to say anything."

"Thanks, but, its not just Daria. You can't tell anyone anything, please. Not even Connor. Especially not Connor." Huffing irritably she nodded. Offering her pinky finger to me I stared at it blankly.

"Pinky promise." Gripping hers in mine we held it for a moment. "Right now we'll have to meet up after school so you can tell me everything, okay?"

"Umm, sure." This sounded to me like the start of another friendship. This was foreign territory. Connor was my only real friend…maybe things were starting to change. It would be a relief to be able to talk to someone about my dream. Maybe she'd know what it meant. Hurrying back to class we spent the rest of the lesson making casual small talk though we were both anticipating the end of lesson thus the end of school.


	9. Where We Stand

_**Hey y'all! So I'm setting the story up for something I hope you like it (or love it;)) Let me know what you think and please review! Here we go!❤️**_

"It just seems strange to me…Why wouldn't he just break up with her?" Taylor and I were sitting in the sand, the granules were scratching at my skin and becoming more and more irritating. Right now I was in the painful process of explaining to the stubborn girl why it wasn't as simple as that.

"His Dad…It's complicated." Apparently I was useless at explanations which seemed to be annoying her.

"What does he like, beat him, or something?" There was an air of sarcasm in her voice yet something fearful lay dormant too. Looking down at my hands sinking deeper and deeper into the hot sand I took the time to fully consider my answer. Taylor's eyes practically doubled in size. "Oh my god, he doesn't actually does he?"

"What, no." She let out a shaky breath while I attempted to say what wasn't easy to say. "Connor's a Dad isn't into the whole 'me and him' thing. Not that either of us actually said or did anything to suggest a 'me and him'" I can see she is nodding thus meaning she understands (at least to some extent) "Anyway, we can hang out as long as Daria is around..." Saying it out loud was probably the weirdest thing. In my head I'd been so consumed with the idea that he was hurting me I didn't appreciate just how morally wrong it was. I liked Connor; Connor liked me. Neither one of us really cared that Daria was being used so long as we could spend time together. Jude Adams-Foster the biggest arsehole of them all. Sighing I tell myself that self-loathing won't help.

"Wait so have you and Connor…done stuff?" Lifting one side of my mouth then dropping it again I more or less confirm it. "Oh daymn! Totally thought it was just you crushing on him. Ahaha, now I find out you two have both been…what have you done?" The question was put in a way that connoted all Taylor wanted was something to tease me with. Gathering that she wouldn't tell a soul and was the closest option to helping me handle this whole situation besides a psychiatrist, I had to be fully open with her. Consequently I was now sitting her with flushed cheeks trying to squeak out words. Noticing my plight Taylor intervened. "So you've hugged," waiting for a signal that we had she then continued "You've kissed (as in peck)," again I nod "You've made out," a smirk appears on her face when I tilt my head acutely forward. "You've got a bit touchy feely?" Shaking my head from side to side she stops. Assessing what she knows, which by now is pretty much everything, she puffs put an exasperated breath.

"I told you it was difficult." I groan pitifully.

"It's not difficult, Jude. It's just a sensitive thing. You try just not acting on your feelings?" So many times I've tried. I still remember the strength and effort it took not to let on just how much I like him because I knew it would scare him. We don't talk about our feelings much we just suppress them until eventually the toils don't seem worth it and we become reckless. The silence as I mull this over in my brain is enough to indicate that, yes, I tried.

"I don't think you understand…" It wasn't meant as a accusatory remark but from Taylor's expression, I could instantly tell it had been received that way.

"What's not to understand," she said in a sharp tone "You both like each other but are too cowardly to do anything about it." A ball flies past us from the volleyball game at the left of the dune we're sitting on. I watch the sphere roll drooping letting her words absorb in.

"Taylor, his Dad would be so mad. We…we're better off as we are now." Was I saying this for me, for Connor or for society? Who knew. Rather than staying sat she gets up and does her best to brush the beach from her white shorts.

"I just think you should stop being afraid." Picking up her flip flops she goes to leave.

"Taylor…" Looking at me I realise have nothing left to say "You can't tell anyone, okay?"

"Whatever." She calls back.

"Promise!" I howl after her slowly receding figure.

"Promise." I hear her shout back. Now I'm alone. As it's almost half six I figure I should really get back. I know that Callie is pending the night at Robert's. To be honest I'm no longer sure what's going on with them. Callie says she has a way to stay with us, with our family, but I'm not convinced. We aren't lucky like that. Anyway, Jesus and Marianna are going out with Ana to celebrate Jesus' place at that wrestling boarding school place. I'll miss him but not as much as Brandon. They both have their quirks I guess but I don't have to share a room with Brandon. The way Jesus snores makes it harder to miss him. Brandon isn't going to be at home as he's going to Mike's house which means it'll be just me and Moms. Consequently they're more likely to notice (if they haven't already) my absence and tardiness. Great.

(-.-)

Walking across beaches are never easy. Every step you take you get dragged downwards. I can't help but feel Connor and I are like that. Every time we move further we get sucked into more problems. Oh god I have to stop thinking so deep. To do this I decide concentrating on how many people I can count on the half an hour or so walk back. In total I count twenty which is surprisingly low for a warm evening like today. Finally reaching or road, I jog the last fifteen or so metered to the front door and fling myself inside. I can't hear anyone. The house is still.

"Hello?" I bellow through the walls. There's thudding from upstairs then…

"Hey bud, what's up?" Momma's voice seeps downstairs and sounds short and breathless. I call back up.

"Just wanted to let you know I was home." Detecting some hasty conversations then more pattering across the upper floor Moms voice replies.

"Okay love, we'll be down in a minute." Moms can be real odd sometimes I think as I make my way to the kitchen to get a drink. Half way through Downing my third glass of water a flushed pair fill the room. I greet them and they do the same to me still looking flustered. Momma is sporting a dressing gown and little else whilst Mom has a poorly thrown together outfit and messy, tousled hair. "So how was school?" Steph asks.

"Um good, sorry I'm late. I meant to phone you." Giving each other side way glances Lena curves her wrist up then down to dismiss it.

"It's fine." Swapping more communicative looks they seem to reach a hushed verdict. "Actually, Mom and I were thinking about going out tonight, now if you don't want us too that's fine." I didn't mind.

"You could invite a friend over if you want." Smiling I tell them it's fine. After half an hour of them working their way around upstairs they're ready to go leaving me $50 to buy take out. Then I'm alone once again. At first I feel like a night alone would be good, then I start to feel bored and lonely and reach for my phone.

Hey, just wondering if you want to come round, got money for take out. – J

Denying my instincts to put a little x I send it. Within the time taken for someone to, receive, read and reply at a human rate Connor had text back.

Great, Mom has book group so that works ;) – C

Sprawled across the couch I scoped out the house. It was more or less clean so I switched on the Tv and watched a show called 'Becoming Us'. Some of the things they talked about were really emotional and I found myself wrapped up in deep thoughts when the doorbell rang. Switching off the screen and rubbed my eyes. Just in case. Hurrying to the door I pulled it open to see Connor standing patiently.

"Hey Jude." You know when people say or do things that cause you to recollect memories or simpler times? Yeah, Connor had a knack for that. Allowing my lips to curve a smile I usher him inside. "So where is everyone?" Connor asked only vaguely interested in my answer (or so I suspected).

"Twins are with Ana, Callie is with Robert, Brandon with Mike and Moms have gone out." I ramble in one breath. I was strangely nervous. Not sure exactly what off I tried not to concentrate on it too much. "Umm, so you want pizza or Chinese or…" Biting his lip a crease appeared between his eyebrow as he tried to chose.

"Pizza sounds good." He finally confirms. I nod as I fetch the phone and dial the pizza place. With that taken care of we go up to my room. Normally we would have watched a film but I couldn't be bothered with the whole not talking element of that activity. He and I needed to talk. Not about bits and bobs about everything. Maybe that was why I'd been nervous. I'd subconsciously been plotting this since the start…sneaky.

"Connor…" I began.

"Jude, we need to talk." Rather taken a back my mind went into emergency shut down. Was Connor going to be the one to initiate the talking? No, it was probably about something else, just let him finish. "It's about…us…" Us. So there defiantly, 100%, was an us. "I need you to sum up where we stand, please?" Blinking at him I was slightly stunned. "Be brutal if you want, I just need you to say it so I know where we stand." It was a fair request I suppose. Clearing my dry throat I attempted to summarise everything.

"Um, so you kissed me in the tent," Connor looked confused "I mean I kissed you back but you, um, it, it doesn't matter, I…"

"Yep, and?" Phew, I'd been getting tounge tied there.

"We fought, then we made up after you started dating Daria." Unintentionally harsh at those words I noticed guilt flicker through his eyes as he fiddle with the corner of my bed sheet from where he was sitting on my bed. "Um, then I got annoyed and hurt and stuff and we kissed, then we were okay. After the whole TP thing we went to the beach and talked and stuff," I couldn't bare to say kissed again as the last time my cheeks had ignited into a brilliant shade of rouge. "You and Daria are fighting and Taylor noticed and brought me up on it…"

"Wait, what?" Connor interrupted. "Does she…does she know?" Choking out a small yes, he sighs sinking his head into my pillow. At least he wasn't angry like I'd suspected him to be.

"I didn't tell her, I mean I did but she guessed it first. Like I didn't just go to her 'Hey guess what' I'm sorry." Pretending his face from my cushion he mumbled out:

"It's fine, I guess she'd find out sooner or later…" What did that mean?

"What do you mean?" Connor shook his head. Shuffling closer to his side I gave him a calculating stare.

"It doesn't matter. Anyway, so that's what's gone on but like how do you, erm, feel, lik about me?" Wow. He was really doing this. I was impressed.

"I erm, like you…" It wasn't enough. I didn't just like him. I craved for his touch. For our pointless conversations. For our friendship. Our more than friendship. There were so many

lilliputian words that when sown together made a polymer of feelings I wanted to express to him. But I couldn't so instead I added, "Like a lot." Connor was still staring me wanting me to go on. Total, brutal honesty. "I hate the fact you're still pretending to date Daria even if it's just for appearances. I hate the fact I never no where we stand anymore. Mostly I hate the fact we've become so complicated." That was it in a nutshell. All out to play. Connor took a moment to evaluate what I'd said.

"Okay. Now I know where we stand."

"Where's that?" I ask softly.

"Here." I whispers as he swaps his sitting crossed legged, matching me. Now he's on hands and knees sinking into the bed a little as he leans towards me. Stealing a quick kiss from me he smiles. I have no longer got any idea what's going on. "Jude, I like you. I really do. I'm terrified this means I'm…you know, g-gay. Im not ready for people to know, not yet at least. When it's me and you, just us too I want to be able to be more than," he pointed between us "Than this." Seizing my hand he holds it using the other to hold my chin so I'm forced to look him in the eye. "If you don't want that, or you want more than I can offer you right now, okay. Just tell me now." Think. No don't think. Act on instinct. On gut feelings. Jump.

"Okay." It had become our saying. He knew what I meant.

"Okay." He repeated.

"Okay." I say again but this time I'm smiling. More than ever. Everything has been set.

"Okay." Connor tugs my hand drawing me into a hug. We start laughing. All the nerves, the tension, evaporate to history. We finally know exactly where we stand. Connor wants an us. I want an us. We have to work around the whole telling people thing. Quite honestly I don't get why it should matter to others. For my family to know us enough. The only problem is Daria but we can get to that another time. Right now is our time. Connor aims to kiss me again. The bell goes. Dammit. "Beat you there!" Connor cries as he jumps up and sprints down the stairs. Chasing him I giggle furiously. At least I'll never be bored.


	10. Conflict

_**Hey y'all! Okay so this chapter is all kinds of feels. Like I said for the last two chapters imma be settining it up for something big. It make get a bit confusing so if you have questions let me know. Go ahead and give me your suggestions and if you review I'll update real soon! Hope you enjoy!❤️**_

"Okay, fine." The two of us are strewn across my bed once more, a casket of forgotten pizza occupying the floor juxtaposed with some plates, glasses and used napkins. My head is resting in the dip between Connor's armpit and chest as my hand lays on top of his chest. Watching as it rises and falls I can tell he is staring blankly at the ceiling whilst we let our small talk wonder. "If Iron Man didn't have his suit he'd be crap." Connor tries to reason "But, yeah, I guess his smartness does sort of make up for it." Grinning smugly I laugh.

"See. Same goes for Bruce Banner, even if he wasn't The Hulk, he's smart enough to classify as one of them, ya know?" Okay so it wasn't exactly my best point but he knew what I meant. He always does.

"I mean, I guess. They'd be pretty screwed without him though." Although, getting what he was saying I couldn't help but disagree.

"Not really. He's actually an inconvenience if you think 'bout it." Connor raises his head up giving himself an impressive double chin in the process. He's got a 'what the fuck are you even on about' look.

"Tell me you're joking." Stating it with a half pleading voice.

"No seriously, think of all the times Black Widow has had to calm him down when she could have been kicking butt!" I say back. I personally thought I had a very good point. Connor…not so much.

"That's like blasphemy!" He was using his free arm to wave it round as he spoke.

"No it's not! It's so true." I tried to argue.

"No. Just no. You keep talking and I'll have to kick your butt." Laughing now I supported myself on my arm letting Connor turn onto his side.

"I dare you." I say coolly.

"Not sure you want to go there." He warned with a sly smile. Oh it was on.

"Too chicken?" Teasing probably wasn't exactly my strong point but the look he gave me was worth it. Glinting in his eyes was the beginning of an onslaught. Spotting it, I ducked off the bed and towards the door. He was too fast. Jumping at me his arms wrapped round my waist. Crashing to the floor I started half screaming, half squealing as Connor tickled me without mercy. I couldn't breathe. Gasping for air I began to squirm, trying desperately to get free. My head thumped against the bottom of the doorway and I let out a pathetic 'Ouch'.

"Shit, Jude, are you okay?" Giggling at his sudden protectiveness I used my palm to push his face away. Joining in we soon broke into hysterics. Nothing was particularly funny but it just felt too good to laugh. We must have spent a good time like that because my throat began to become dry and sore. Coughing I had to perch myself upright to keep from choking. I felt Connor patting me on the back as he too had sat up his hip against mine.

"T-thanks." I muster.

"No problem." He says back as his patting turns to rubbing small circles on my back. From downstairs we hear the door being pushed open as someone comes home. Stopping dead Connor's arm falls to his side as we listen. We're slightly panting so it's more difficult than normal.

"Hello?" It's Callie.

"It's fine it's just Callie." I claim as I get to my feet.

"I should probably be getting home anyway." He tries to counter my plan before I've even proposed it. Heading towards the door he goes to leave so, instinctively, I snatch his hand into mine. My hearts doing that weird heavy pounding thing again. Smiling he looks at me. Nervous because I still don't know if I'm allowed to do things like this I freeze. I guess he can tell because the next second he connects his lips with mine. Short and sweet. Winking at me he then pulls away. Galavanting down he meets Callie on the stairs.

"Oh, hey Connor." She greets somewhat surprised.

"Hey." He responds as he continues going.

"Is Jude in?" No Callie, Connor's here in our home all by himself, seriously? Connor laughs and presumably nods. They say goodbye and Callie continues up. "Jude?"

"Yeah?" I ask as I walk onto the landing. My sister looks oddly fancy in a dinner dress. It's cut just above the knees and is a striking black. Around her neck is a gold necklace that looks like one of Momma's.

"Where's everyone?" Callie ponders.

"Out." I tell her. Her eyebrows knit together but she doesn't say anything more about it.

"How come your all dressed up?" I ask then add "You look nice." Just so I don't sound pissed off. Callie looks down at her attire and sighs.

"I was at the Quinn's, it's Sophia's birthday." Oh right. I knew she was there I just didn't know it for her half sister's special day. An awkward fog lies between us. Ever since I found out she's not actually my full sister I have been distant with her. I'm not sure why. Like I still love her but we'd always been held together by blood. We fought to stay together because of it and now it turns out we only share half of that. Then again I share none with the Foster Adams collection yet they are 100% my family. So maybe it's not that. I suppose if I'm really honest I'm scared, no, I'm jealous. Sophia has come along and now I have to share Callie with her? Callie is my sister not hers…but she is hers. It just feels like I may loose her. I don't know how to handle that so I don't know how to act with her. "Um, Jude, we need to talk."

"About what?" I grumble. Callie walks past me into my room. She squats down onto my bed and taps the spot next to her. Neutral faced and curious I acquiesce her silent request.

"Okay, so Robert has decided to let me stay with you." Shocked my bottom jaw hangs open. Smiling she continues. "I have to visit him and Sophia a lot and everything but we did it Jude! I'm going to be adopted."

"Wait, are you serious?" If she was this was perfect! Everything was falling into place. Within minutes Callie and I were hugging each other tightly tears streaming from both of us. I couldn't believe it.

"We did it," she whispers "We found our forever family, Jude." We rushed into detailed accounts of what had happened and what Robert had said. Sophia was not so thrilled but she got why Callie had done it. She was no less her sister than Marianna but I was her brother first and she wasn't just going to abandon me for a new family. After discussing it for a long long time we moved on too new topics. "So how come Connor was here?"

"Moms said I could have a friend round since I was alone all night otherwise." I explain. Callie looks at me. Really looks. It actually got uncomfortable. "What?" Biting her lip she internally battles herself before her curiosity gets the better of her.

"Do you…" She's twiddling her fingers nervously. "You know, um, like him?" What?

"I, I mean yeah, he's my best friend…" Callie shows a confused expression.

"It's just I thought you two had a fight, the other day you said, you know about not wanting to talk about it…" At least she listened. Even if it did make it inconvenient later on.

"We, um, made up." Okay, so we had more than made up but she didn't need to know did she?

"Jude, you don't like him as, you know more than a friend do you?" Staring at her blankly I can't think of what to say. We just wanted to keep it private for now so I wasn't exactly going to tell her now. Instead my only other option was to challenge her.

"Do you like Brandon, as you know, more than friends?" Eyeing one another we know the answer to both questions but why fight now. Let's not spoil it. Moving on we talk about school for a bit.

"Well, I'm going to go change." Callie announces kissing my forehead despite my protest.

The rest of the evening I hum happily to myself as I play on Clash of Clans. It's not until almost twelve when we hear the door downstairs open and Marianna and Jesus show up with Brandon. Callie and I waltz down the stairs to meet them sharing the good news. Everyone starts hugging and cheering. Even Jesus joins in though I never really see Callie and him talk much. After relocating to the living room we spend the next half hour in a full and lively conversation. That is until we hear a car pull up and a few seconds later…Shouting.

"I'm sorry, please. Can you just calm down?" It was Lena. The five of us fell deathly still.

"Sorry for what? For letting her? For not telling me sooner? Or for getting found out?" Steph howls back. There's a slamming car door and my heart rate accelerates. In the corner of my eye I see Callie grip Brandon's arm whilst a pale Marianna clutches her twin in fear.

"Honey, can we please talk about this calmly?" Lena's voice is threaded with cautious hesitation. Their footsteps are coming closer and closer to the front door.

"Don't honey me! I don't want to discuss this with you!" Steph is furious. Her hateful words are blazing with fire as they ignite in the silence. Catastrophic and unashamed. Flinging the door open she storms in. Stopping when she sees us her anger falters for a second before she rages up the stairs. Lena is trailing pitifully after her and gives us that same look, almost saying something, then chasing her wife up the stairs. The five of us exchange anxious looks all too stunned to vocalise our single thought: what the hell is going on? Above there's more shouting and screaming only to be followed by Steph charging downstairs with a brimming overnight bag. A puffy eyed Lena is once again following her spilling words of excuse weakly. The front door opens again. Steph is gone.

"Brandon?" Callie breathes out tensely. Too late. He's off straight out, past Momma and through the door off to find Steph. Robotically walking into the living room where we're all stood Lena slumps on the coach. Then the crying starts. Gentle at first but slowly becoming more desperate. Marianna is there in seconds wrapping an arm round Momma's shoulders. Callie goes to the kitchen to make tea whilst Jesus and I hover, unsure what to do. I had no idea what was going on, nor did anyone for that matter. A lifetime seems to pass before Lena thanks us and says she's going to bed. Jesus and Marianna go up and so do I. It's not until I'm lying in the dark do I hear the door open. Footsteps up the stairs and voices on the landing. It's Brandon talking to a sympathetic Callie.

"What happened?" Callie hisses "Where's Steph?"

"At Mike's." Brandon whispers back. "She's going to stay there for a bit, till she's calm again."

"Okay but why were they fighting?"

"Apparently Lena…" His voice, although hushed lowers even more, to the point where I have to strain my ears. "Cheated on Mom…" No. Callie's gasp physically denotes my disbelief. No way was that true. It couldn't be. I idolised their relationship, their ability to look past anything. And now…no.

"B, I'm so sorry." Callie soothes to him. "Look at me," there's a pause "Everything's going to be okay." I can no longer hear them. They've stopped talking. Are they? No… I focus on what's just happened. It was so fast I'm having issues processing it all. So much for perfect.


	11. Black Eye

**_Well hey there! Here's another cheeky chapter (Oh dear, can't believe I wrote that) I hope you enjoy! Please review because I really appreciate your feedback (Big thanks to JonnorFTW) ❤️_**

I did that thing again. Everyone (at least everyone human) knows what I mean. You kid yourself into thinking things could be looking up and then it happens. You remember you're not one of those people: the lucky ones. Callie once told me, the night Steph got shot, that this family wasn't like us. She said they were lucky. I guess she lied. Maybe I just can't have good things happen in balance. Things were finally straight sailing with Connor so that meant something at either home or school, had to go wrong. Wow that's so weird. I've actually started classing Connor as his own category in my life. Another thing I don't know how to feel about. Anyway, we're all sitting around the table trying to swallow down reluctant drabs of breakfast. Marianna looks lifeless whilst her pre-occupied daze is stained across her's, Callie and Brandon's face. Jesus, as usual is giving his unwanted opinion.

"Okay, so whatever's gone on Mom's over reacting, right?" Marianna is the first one to reply as she gives up on her bowl of shreddies.

"Will you just shut up? Nobody asked for your commentary." Zoning in on a suddenly fascinating spot on the kitchen window I try to ignore the growing fight.

"What, I'm just saying!" Jesus claimed as he shoves another mouthful of the cereal into his gob. Typical. Callie joins in though I wish she wouldn't fuel the twins. All she's doing is giving them more ammo.

"You don't know that, what Momma did was really bad." Brandon elbows her, waking from his trance.

"Wait you know?" Marianna gapes at Callie across from her. Brandon is shaking his head whilst Jesus has the same expression as his sister. "Tell us!"

"No." Brandon cuts in. He's formulated a convincing external calm but I doubt it goes no further than that, an appearance. "Look it's none of our business. Moms are going to make up like they always do and then we'll have forgotten about it by this time next week.

"More like year." Callie mutters regretfully. Frowning at her I try to warn her that that is probably not the best thing to do. From the look Brandon shoots her I'm unequivocally correct.

"What so you two can know but we can't?" Marianna jabs a mixture of jealousy and betrayal camouflaging her hurt. I take a sip of orange juice worriedly. At least none of them knew I knew.

"We don't need to talk about it, okay?" Brandon ushers back. Not the right thing to say.

"Oh okay, only the biological son, brilliant Brandon, can know? The rest of us aren't good enough to hear the truth, is that it?" Jesus snaps. Feeling on edge I shuffle in my seat, he hadn't taken his pills today…

"Jesus!" There was an appalled intake from his twin as she reacted to the biological card. One of the unspoken rules in our house was that we don't say about the blood thing. We can think it, sure, but we never call each other out on it.

"No, it's true! The only way we are worthy is by blood or if he can make out with us if he tells." Violating trust is never a good idea because it can and will be used against you in later terms. Callie had just found this out as our dear, beloved brother, took a clear jab at their relationship (for lack of a better word). Well then, queue the explosions.

"Fuck off!" Brandon shouts at Jesus whilst simultaneously Callie yells:

"Go to hell!" All three scraping chairs to stand.

"Guys lets all just…" Jesus cuts her off, his temper increasing beyond manageable altitude.

"What, you can't take it?" He implores sadistically.

"Take what?" Callie whines in utter turmoil. Brandon and Jesus are squaring up to each other now. Both puffing out their chest to assert some version of dominance.

"Guys, this isn't going to solve anything!" Marianna tries reasoning although staying put in the safety of her seat. I too remain statue still in my chair. Jesus pushes Brandon's shoulders so he's forced back. Ignoring the fact he's physically speaking, weaker, Brandon bounces back only to give him an even more forceful shove. Scrambling the two boys wrap limbs, both trying to floor each other. They ram one another trying to get a good grip. Stumbling they knock off a bowl from the side of the table. The sound of it smashing is lost beyond the cries of the two girls. Taking a sip of my drink I try to ignore it…it's not exactly working. Chucking Brandon off of him, his back slams into the table and he falls to the ground. Callie jumps in her arms seat-belting Jesus from pursuing. Marianna is at Brandon's side clenching his arm to try and stop him from getting up. Figuring the most helpful thing to do is help Callie I get up fast going to Jesus' side. Bad idea.

"Get off!" Jesus yells as he hurtles Callie to the ground. His body arching it's way first right then left, in my direction. His arms are tensed but without target so his shock is genuine when his fist comes into contact with my right eye. Fuck! Overwhelmed by the pain I see spots of black and white dance before my watering vision, eyes shut tight and throbbing. I can't remember how hard it really was but as I'm now flat against the floor (joining the other four of my siblings) I assume it was pretty frigging powerful.

"What is going on!" I can hear Lena holler as she comes charging down the stairs. Hear being the operative word. Casting her eyes around the kitchen she notices Brandon struggling against Marianna, Callie giving death stares to Jesus who's towering over them huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf, then… "Jude!" Running towards me I can just make out her figure through my non-swollen eye. "What the hell happened?" I'd never, in all the time at the Adams Foster heard Momma loose her cool. Now, though, she snapped.

"It was just a misunderstanding…" Marianna tried to cover but it was wasted on our fuming guardian.

"A misunderstanding is when you get something confused! This, young lady, is not a misunderstanding! Look at your brothers eye if you don't get that!" Lena was apparently gesturing to me but I couldn't see or, to be perfectly frank, care. My whole face felt hot and sore and was stinging like a bitch. Thanks Jesus. "Who did this?" Lena demanded with a unnerving aggression.

"It was an accident…" I chirp out meekly, not wanting this to escalate further than necessary. She wasn't buying into it, she knew there was more. Before she'd even begun a sheepish Jesus intervened.

"It…it was m-me." Tight mouthed and beady eyes Momma was brimming with fury. "I hit him, but, b-but…"

"He hadn't meant too." Callie joined in. "He was trying to get me off of him." That's it Callie, get him in more trouble I think to myself. If it wasn't for the pain I'd be rolling my eyes at her mistake.

"Why were you on him?" Lena shot at Callie, her arms now crossed as she tapped her foot impatiently. Flapping her mouth like a fish Brandon had to come to her rescue.

"We sort of got into a fight…" Throwing her arms in the air Momma waited for someone to explain why.

"Jesus started it." Callie chipped in. Seriously was she on a vendetta to get him grounded? Scowling Marianna took her twin's side.

"Yeah but only because you guys were keeping secrets." Holding Marianna in an interrogative stare Lena spoke:

"What secrets?"

"Umm, I don't remember." Squeaked the Latina as Callie, Brandon and Jesus chorused: "Nothing." Obviously far from in the mood Momma turned on me. Through my blurred vision I could just make out Callie 'slicing' her throat with a hand; Brandon shaking his head frantically; and Marianna and Jesus waving theatrically.

"Jude." Uh – Oh. "Why were they fighting?" Swallowing I was stuttering out an 'I don't know' when she cut me off. "Tell me now. Or your grounded for a year." She was serious.

"It was about last night…" I sneak out ashamed at ratting them in. Everyone is flinging hateful psychic messages towards me. At least Momma doesn't look angry. Actually, she looks sad…Oh. She's crying. "Momma?" I query gently. Sniffing she wipes her eyes.

"Okay, you guys better get to school, Callie get some Ice for Jude's eye the rest of you clean your teeth." She sounds drained. Jesus holds out a hand for Brandon and although he takes it there's a rivalry between them as they are guided upstairs by Marianna.

Momma sighs and goes to get the dustpan for the smashed bowl. Callie on the other hand, fetches me some ice. Flinching at the cold, it takes a few minutes to work. During which Callie leads me upstairs leaving Lena alone. When we go to the bathroom the five of us break into concerned talk.

"Jude…I…"

"It's fine. It was an accident, I get it." I say to Jesus, grabbing my toothbrush with my free hand. Callie isn't so easily forgiving but we have more important things to discuss.

"I've got a bad feeling about this." Observes Marianna woefully.

"Look, let's just go to school, and maybe tonight things will be okay." Brandon suggests with a mild hope in his words. The rest of us nod and finish up in the bathroom. None of us are completely sure what to do but going to school is an obvious choice.

(-.-)

"Jude, what happened?" Daria says with an over dramatic hand to the mouth. I've just rocked up to second period Science and I receive a lot of jeering looks. Apparently a kid with a black eye is a funny sight. I'm not sure how but I try to ignore them. This proves hard to do when I walk over to Daria, Taylor and a very alarmed looking Connor.

"Jesus Jude!" Taylor exclaims lowering the equipment list she'd been looking at.

"Um, *Hey-Zeus actually…" I say giving an uneasy laugh to address the strange atmosphere.

"What?" Daria asks dumbfounded.

"Um, my brothers. They got into a fight this morning." I try to explain. "Jesus accidentally hit me when I went to stop him…" Saying it out loud made it sound pathetic. Taylor giggled and soon Daria joined in. That was the end of that. The two then got engrossed in discussing the benefits of using Nivea over Dove. Needless to say I zoned out.

"Hey, is that true?" Connor whispers in my ear grabbing my wrist. I pull it away as a way of reminding him that 'friends' aren't supposed to hold each other's body parts tenderly. I also have to give him a careful perimeter check as he's gotten too close. 'Friends' don't do that either.

"Yeah, I'll explain at lunch." He looks like he wants to say more. He doesn't though so we join the girls and continue for the rest of the lesson.

(-.-)

"Shit." Connor whistles as I finish recounting the thrilling events that had followed after he left and those of earlier this morning. "You really think Lena would…you know?" I shrug. I hadn't been around long enough to give a justifiable answer. "Shit." We're over in one of the quads which is vacant due to the majority of the student body occupying the beech. The bench we're sat on is cast in the shade, a tree concealing us from prying eyes. Lifting his finger Connor traces outside the yellow mash up of purple and green bruising. Grimacing as he unintentionally presses too hard on the corner, he stops. Looking at me he seems alert and panicked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't." I counter in a low subtle voice. Connecting brown with hazel we stare. Again there's that uneasy moment where I have to convince myself into moving. It's not like we haven't, you know… But every time I feel nervous and unsure for no other reason than its second nature to doubt myself. Connor is coming closer and I never doubt him. Well, mostly never. Almost. Close and yet.

"Jude!" Taylor squalls towards us. Behind, Daria shadows her. Even at this distance I can see her 'Seriously? The fuck are you thinking nimrod?' Look. Oops. Connor and I slide to opposite sides of the bench, he looking ashen.

"There you are!" Daria drools. "We've been looking everywhere!" She slots in between us planting a possessive kiss on Connor's cheeks. "Not hiding from me I hope!" She teases winking at her boyfriend. He looks at me sadly.

"Not at all." He comforts.

"What's wrong?" Daria inquires.

"Wrong? How can anything be wrong?" Connor says distantly. Taking her hand he then gazes straight at me. "The person I want is right here." Blushing and giggling Daria shows an affectionate display but Connor's eyes never leave me.

"Ew, come one Jude. I think I'm going to barf." Taylor stars sarkily. Grabbing my bag she leads me away, the whole time I can feel his steady watchful eyes following us. I couldn't think about it. I had too much going on to waste my time thinking up ways to murder his girlfriend.


	12. Day 1

_**Hey y'all, I wanted to post this chapter as a much longer edit. The problem was I wanted it to seem short and therefore quick (this will make sense later). Hope you like it and please Review because it really helps, you know, knowing what y'all think! ❤️**_

"What were you guys talking about?" Taylor asked. We'd made our way across the relatively empty quad and we're now cruising the halls. Stopping in front of what should've been my locker I give a cough. There's a tenth grader dressed in pretentious all-black, a fake tattoo on his arm, blocking my access. Showing me his teeth he snarls reluctantly sliding over, only just. I say thanks though I'm not sure why. Fiddling with the combination I spend the next minute struggling until Taylor intervenes. "Jude?"

"Hmm?"

"You and Connor, what were you talking about?" My mouth opens whilst my eyes shut slightly, trying to recall my earlier conversation. Taylor's managed to bust open my locker so I can grab the book inside.

"Oh, just about my eye." Doing an 'ahh' face she nods her forehead like 'Oh, I should have guessed'. Finished with my locker I close it and escort her towards an empty spot someway down the corridor.

"So everything's alright? Like, with your brother?"

"Mmhmm, it was an accident, it's all good." I'm not sure she's completely convinced but, then again, Taylor is always hard to read. "So, are you okay?" It's only polite to ask.

"Yeah, Dad was annoyed about my English result on that mock." She sighed.

"Yours wasn't that bad, better than mine anyways." I say trying to comfort her. It didn't exactly work, she just got more aggravated.

"You wouldn't understand, your parents are so cool."

"What d'you mean?" Taylor opened her hands to the sky as if to say, what do you think.

"Just that you're parents sound so cool about everything. I mean, mine just get angry and fight. I mean not all the time, that's not what I'm saying, just that you're lucky." She must be kidding.

"Yeah, lucky that my birth Mom died, my Dad got sent to jail and Moms…" Shaking my head I hold my tongue. Taylor is biting her lip, twisting her hands shamefully. I knew she wasn't saying anything bad but I couldn't resist. People sometimes misunderstand me, that's fine. Just don't misunderstand the facts.

"I didn't think…I didn't realise you still, you know, classed them as your parents…okay that sounded stupid. I'm sorry." I didn't have to listen to this. So, I leave. The girl left leaning on the lockers. I wasn't angry I just couldn't be bothered to explain that Stef and Lena were my parents now, for sure, but after this fight I wasn't sure they'd be so cool.

(-.-)

Moms are mad. Mad, mad. Not crazy or mental, no, nothing like that. They just seem to really hate each other which, if you think about it is worse than being insane. The first thing Marianna and I heard when we got in were two angry voices.

"Who kissed who?" Stef was insisting in a flat tone.

"It doesn't matter, the point is - "

"The point is you were unfaithful!" Stef concluded before Lena could even outline her point. Beside me Marianna had dropped her bag the sound announcing our arrival to them. Moms looked at us, Momma crossing her arms with a masked contumelious expression. My sister was gawking at them.

"Is that true?" She demands. Mom has here fingers pinching her scrunched up nose.

"Sorry guys, um, why don't you-" Momma is trying to shoo us away but Marianna is having none of it. The beast is loose!

"No, I think I deserve an explanation! How come you just left yesterday? What do you mean unfaithful!" She was verging on screaming her eyes watering.

"Love, calm down." Steph eased "Momma and I just need to talk, everything's fine." I'd never heard a bigger lie.

"Everything's obviously not!"

"Marianna, come on. Let's just leave them to talk." Loyal to peace I try to usher her away but she is, as ever, stubborn.

"No. Why are you fighting?"

"Sweetheart, your mom and I aren't fighting, we just had a disagreement." Steph says firmly.

"So your not getting a divorce?" Marianna asks only to be rewarded with, what I suspect was the answer she'd hope for with her faux sincerity. We both knew Moms wouldn't separate but this forced them to acknowledge it to each other and hopefully make them less explosive to one another.

"No, of course not! We just need some time to talk. Alone." Taking a hint, she let me lead her away, up the stairs. For the rest of the afternoon all we herd was a fluctuating tempo of raised voices then hasty whispers. Over and over again. By the end of it Steph left to go back to Mike's. I thought everything was going to be okay. Moms would be okay…right?


	13. Day 2

_**Sup guys! So this is the day after and is as equally short for pace purposes. As ever, I hope you enjoy it and questions, suggestions and constructive criticism welcome! Please review❤️**_

The next day was a blur. School passing quickly and without effect. At home things were still not sorted.

"Where's Steph?" Brandon's asking as he comes home to find Callie and I trying to conduct dinner. Everywhere are pasta sauce splatters. It's not exactly our forte but Mom didn't come home after yesterday and Momma's too stressed to make the family a meal for tonight. That's why Callie and I offered to make pasta bake. Unfortunately neither one of us are natural born cooks so our attempt is slowly wreaking havoc on the usually clean kitchen surfaces. The twins decided that they would much prefer to go to Ana's instead of face the uncomfortable time with a practically schizophrenic Lena and our, more than likely poisonous cooking. I couldn't blame them.

"I think she's still at Mike's." Callie called wiping her forehead with her messy hands, smearing tomato onto her skin. Brandon put his bag down and sat on one of the stools picking up an uncooked bit of pasta and fiddling with it.

"How long do you reckon this will last?" I ask him nervously. He shrugs as he places the pasta back on the table.

"They've fought before but Mom's never gone to a different house…she's never normally this angsty about things…" Entering a darker place of his subconscious he seemed to be recollecting past arguments. The room was quiet other than the hissing of the water as it came to the boil. Callie and I looked at each other. This was bad. Very bad.

Dinner was as I had suspected inedible. Momma had come down taken two bites, sat there whilst we asked her questions then went back upstairs. Soon I heard the steady running of water.

"Hey come on, let's go for ice cream." Callie offered to us as we cleared our untouched dishes. Neither of us felt like it.

"I think I'm just going to go to bed, actually." They say good night then a couple minutes later I hear the door shut and it's just me and Lena, all by ourselves. Finishing with the last of the dishes I go to Moms' bathroom and knock carefully on the door. "Momma?"

"Uh, yep? What is it honey?" The running water cuts off and I can hear her blowing her nose on a tissue.

"Are you…okay?"

"Yep, fine. How about you? Did you have a good day today at school?" I know what she's doing. Sighing I let her pretend things are normal.

"Yeah…"

"Okay, well good. I'm going to hop in the bath, alright." She didn't wait for my answer. Sloshing water sounded from the other side of the locked door as she got in the tub. Standing I waited. Then the little sobs began. Whenever I was upset or scared or lonely Lena was there for me. Right now she needed someone to comfort her. The only problem was that person wasn't me. It was specific to her wife so there was nothing I could do.

Holding my hand against the door I willed Momma to feel better.

(-.-)

Jesus is back. He lounges into our room and has the audacity to look chilled. Moms are fighting and he doesn't seem to care.

"Wow, dude sorry about your eye, that thing looks nasty."

"Yeah, thanks." I reply in a flat voice. He dumps his board and takes off his shirt.

"So has Mom come home yet?" He asks as he pulls his pyjama top out from under his pillow and over his head. Yeah like he cared. He could just run back to Ana. That wasn't fair. I take that back. This must just be his way of handling this whole thing. Heck he probably wasn't worried because there was no reason to be!

"Nope, not since yesterday."

"Daymn, how long do you think this will last?" It was the same question I'd asked Brandon. The only problem was none of us knew the answer. This would probably be over tomorrow…right?


	14. Day 3

_**If if you haven't guessed by the chapter titles, this is going to go on for a few days. As the chapters are quite short I'm updating pretty much daily! As per usual, I hope y'all enjoy and let me know what y'all think should happen between Stef and Lena: (make or break?) ❤️**_

"So I thought Daria was mad at you?" I say in an inquisitive way. Right now I'm at Connor's, his Dad's out so we have the place to ourselves. We're on minecraft building a dystopian city. Connor has always been better at building structures with red-stone so you can operate sliding doors et cetera. Due to this I've redeemed myself by building several roads that infiltrate the gaps between each architectural success. As its survival mode and Connor's avatar is being attacked by a skeleton on his decent down the mine looking for more ore to smelt, he's to preoccupied to see my fed up expression. It's not that I didn't understand the whole situation, it's just I had hoped they'd split up soon. The idea of him holding her hand and doing stuff, hanging out and everything was not a good though. With Moms arguing over disloyalty I hardly wanted the same to happen for him.

"Oh, yeah, well you know how she is." He brushed off.

"Um, not really. You know, seeming as I don't spend time with her like you." Pausing the game Connor wriggles in his spot on the coach.

"I thought you were cool with that."

"I am, I just…nevermind." Connor looked curious.

"Nah, come one, you have to tell me now." Shaking my head and looking back at the screen I stare until the pixels blur and I have to refocus my eyes. Puffing out an annoyed breath, he presses play. We continue, not saying much, each to our own thoughts.

"How's your Moms, they alright now?" Maybe it's me not saying anything or the fact I seem so tense when he brings it up but I can tell he knows the answer as soon as he's asked. "I'm sure they'll get back to normal after today, like it won't go on much longer.." Sure. If only.

"Yeah…I guess." Once again Connor pauses the game. It's actually inconvenient this time because I was just surprised by a creeper. I needed to run away before it blew up the makeshift port-a-loo I'd just designed. In fairness, it would probably be a blessing if it had blown it up. "Hey!" I start to complain.

"Come here." I raise one very intentional eyebrow.

"Why?" I draw it out longer than necessary. Just a little bit fearful.

"Just come here." Fine. Crunching my stomach so I can sit forward I then position myself on his side of the faded leather chair. Like the night that Connor and I went to the rock and he placed his shoes down then mine, he repeats the motion yet this time with our controllers. Swallowing a little I am not sure what he's planning so I just wait. When he then umbrellas me into a hug I'm rigid. Eventually I koala his neck in similar fashion to his arms round my middle. Ear to ear. Burrowing my head into his shoulder I mould into him. His arms squeeze me tight for a millisecond as he whispers: "Everything will be alright." I believe him. Whether it's because of the certainty of his voice or the trust I have in him, I believe his words. Nuzzling my nose into the base where his neck joins his body I give a speechless thanks. If I were more confident I probably would've kissed him. Tucked my head up and given him a token more cumulative then my simple connotative snuggle. However, I'm not that brave, I much prefer to let Connor lead our physical conversations so instead I hold on. This is enough. I think to how we began, Connor and I, how much things change. Depressed by the sense of change I can detect brewing at home this just makes me more unsteady than ever. So much so that I unknowingly dig my nails into his back to the point where he shudders a little. I'm about to apologise when the door opens.

Connor has one of those houses where the front door opens into the living room with a door separating the kitchen on one wall and another dividing off the corridor in which the stairs are concealed in. The problem with no hallway is that when Adam comes home at unexpected times, like now, Connor and I have no way of getting ourselves into our rehearsed 'friend' positions. The look on his Dad's face is priceless as he sees us separate. He clears his throat.

"Umm, boys." He tips his head in our direction and then gallops to the exit to the rear of the room. Splendid. Connor's wearing his 'Oh shit' face.

"Give me a sec?"

"Sure." I reply tightly. He gets up and follows his Dad into the kitchen. Then the rowing begins.

"What the hell was that?" Adams voice peaks. I don't think he cares if I can hear.

"What was what?" Connor is asking with mock confusion. Adam isn't having it.

"You know bloody well what, why were you two…you know?" He shouts. I can imagine Connor shrinking down and saying nothing (I know I would've). He doesn't though.

"It's called hugging, Dad." Sarcasm wasn't really the best approach in my opinion and judging by the slurs of almost profanities, Adam didn't appreciate it much either. Amungst all of the anger an imploring 'why' must have been asked. "Because, that's what mates do to comfort the other when they're having a rough time!" Connor is yelling back. The syllabl 'mates' all I concentrate on.

"What do you mean, rough time?"

"It's home stuff, so I can't say. He's worried about it so I was doing what any decent friend would." He insists with a daring patronizing air. There's a pause from Adam.

"Oh, well…that's good of you." He manages.

"What did you think was going on?" Connor says, pretending like he has no idea what it's about.

"Well, I thought, I mean…" There's coughing and muttering.

"Dad, be serious. You realise Jude's a guy, right? Plus, I have a girlfriend remember." He's so good at lying to his Dad he almost has me convinced. Almost. It was what he said next that reminded me. "Besides, Jude's going out with Taylor." I was what?! Okay, I was fine if he wanted to lie about Daria so as to pretend he was the perfect son but who the hell said he could drag me into this? While I fume about it, Connor and Adam finish up they're conversation. He comes back in. "Sorry about that."

"It's, um, okay. I have to go now anyway." It was only two and I didn't much fancy going home to find Lena crying but I didn't want to argue with Connor. If I stayed then it would happen. Not noticing anything off, Connor says okay and walks me too the door. Before I leave he gives me a quick kiss on the cheek, winking. I smile because, you know what, I'm not sure why. I'm mad at him. Even so, I can't always help it. It is Connor after all. "Bye."

"Bye."

(-.-)

The house is beige. No one wants to talk. Mom hasn't come home. Momma is now sitting in the front room with a glass of wine. She's been crying. This has got to be over tomorrow, right?


	15. Day 4

_**Hey y'all! So this is the last part of the 'Days' chapters. Be ready because the next one is going to be very long and feely! Hope you are enjoying this story and please Review so I know what y'all are thinking! ❤️**_

That morning I'd woken with that same feeling of dread. When you're in the foster system you think the worse thing that could ever happen is being lost. Your parents either died, abandoned you or weren't 'suitable' to care of you. You get ripped away and it's the most sickening feeling ever. Family is the one thing everyone testifies, is the ultimate bond. A tie that can't be broken. So when it is all you know is lost. You are lost. I know what's worse though. Finally finding yourself again, a family, a place you feel you belong; it's suddenly threatened and you wonder if they're going to lose you like those before them did. I don't expect you to understand…not many do.

Last night I had another nightmare. It started the same as the previous one.

At the end when I was drowning, I didn't wake up. Everything went black. Then a flashing red light stabbed at my closed lids. When I heeded to its wish, the flashing stopped and I could see my brothers and sisters suspended over a perilous cliff. They were screaming and crying but I didn't know what I could do. The thunder clouds around them match the ones that had conjured up around Connor and I. Below them is a hundred foot drop with several violent shards of rock being lapped at by the raging sea of angry black waves. A hand weighs down on my shoulder.

"Choose." It's Momma and she's pointing to a panel that's just appeared in front of me. On it are five brown circular buttons. Carved into them are names. Their names. I look up. No. I try backing away but Mom is suddenly blocking me. Pointing a figure forward. I shake my head but they won't let me escape. "We said choose!" I'm pleading and begging them, no. "If you don't choose, they'll all die." Blinded by tears and snot making it difficult for me to breathe I turn slowly, barely moving an inch per ten seconds. "Now!" Without thinking I slam my hand down on the button. The clamp holding the ropes binding my sibling is released and as they start falling the scene evaporates and twists, their voice crying towards me.

"How could you?" Over an over again.

Faces loom out of the darkness. Lena and Stef are tossing insults at each other. Literally spitting fire. I try and tell them to stop but they turn on me. The 'How could you' is joined by a chorus of insults as I'm surrounded by them all. Callie is prowling towards me shouting: "It's your fault I got sent away!"; Marianna is cackling: "You're such a freak!"; Jesus is calling: "Your such a loser!"; Brandon is sneering: "You're so pathetic, nobody wants you here!". All of them prowling closer looking more and more like lions ready to tear me limb from limb. Then I hear Moms' words: "We don't even want you! We may break up and use it as an excuse to get rid of you!" Then Stef turns to Lena and a high pitched wail says: "You take him!" In reply Lena hoots back: "I don't want him! You take him!" The advancing family then pauses as oversized Moms push me back and forth. Flinging me to the other with looks of disgust. Baboon like encouragement sings from the others as I fall to the ground. Stretching my hand out, desperately asking them to desist, they ignore me. They pounce. Pain.

Then I woke.

Jesus was out cold so he didn't come to me like the other day. I lay there panting. After ten minutes of pulling myself together I crawl out of bed and go downstairs. It was stupidly early so I didn't think anyone would be up. That was my excuse for shitting myself. Downstairs were two people. It was Moms…what?

"Mom?" They look up. Both of them have puffy eyes.

"Hey, bubba." Mom says to me quietly opening her arms for a hug. I just stand on the step looking over at her.

"Are you…You're not leaving are you?"

"Not this time love." Within seconds I'm down with them and we're hugging and crying, without digression. Next thing we know the whole house is up, one by one they join in our embrace. Everything is awesome. We all laugh and joke. Connor then shows up and kisses me in front of everyone and although I'm embarrassed I relish in it. Mike is here too and Connor's Dad and my Dad and…Mom? My biological Mum? Oh…

Waking up for a second and final time, I greet reality.

That day Mom doesn't come home but she does ring us. She says she loves us all. We try asking when she'll come home but she won't give us a straight answer. We have take out that night because none of us can cook. So much for this not being able to last long. It would be fine next week though…right?


End file.
